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Obscure Lee and Herring script from 1991

In early 1991 me and Stew were asked to do a gig for IBM by our mate Tony Brennan who worked for them at the time. I guess this is the closest we ever came to doing a corporate, though I think we were paid Â£50 each, for which we did the script you are about to read, and then also a stand up set each at a party afterwards. Though we also got free drink.
It is, I suppose, the first time me and Stew ever worked together as a double act and there's some quite funny stuff in there. Alas, pages six and seven have been lost with the passage of time, and I expect they were the funniest of all.. yes, definitely.

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Dictionary

Another sketch by me that was in the previews of the Oxford Revue but was axed before the tour.
Again it is mainly rubbish, but I have a soft spot for it.

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Turd Beetles

A rather poor early effort written by me on my own. I played the Mother Beetle in a terrible rip-off Terry Jones woman voice.

Why am I showing this to the world?
The only way is up.

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The first script written by Lee and Herring together

Although we had performed some sketches before that we had written separately, this was the first script we collaborated on (along with Mike Cosgrave and Rich Canning).
The song mentioned was a deliberately annoying dirge, which went something like "I wish I had invented penicillin. I really wish I had invented penicillin. I'd sing all day long I invented penicillin. I wouldn't have to worry cos I'd have invented penicillin"
Each verse was the same but wished a different thing. One was "I wish that I was Henry D Perky" and another was "I wish I knew pi to 17 decimal places".
I think I wrote that when I was 12!
The man drinking beer is a cross reference to a previous sketch which was a triple act called Spoon, Knife and Peterson, which was essentially a trad double act, except they had a man sitting drinking beer at the side of the stage.

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My Penis Can Sing

Originally written for a school revue (I was still about 17 when I wrote it so have very little excuse), this is the song that Stewart Lee heard about and thought I might be worth working with.
It is very hard to see why.

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Carbon Dioxide Hoarding

As mentioned in Warming Up from 30th June 2003, this is another old University script which made it into the final version of the Oxford Revue 1988.
There was an additional final line which was the old fella pointing at the flower and saying "You bastard", just in case you hadn't got the joke.
You decide how shit we were.

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Ashley Hilarious

This is a sketch that we did in the preview run of the Oxford Revue, but which nobody liked so we cut it from the Edinburgh version.
But I think it's quite funny now.
That last line read "looks at the sandwich, then throws himself dramatically off the wall."

No we were right. It was rubbish.

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