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Tuesday 19th April 2005

I can't believe I didn't even get an interview. And then they appoint a bloke who used to be in the Hitler Youth. I have never been in any right-wing youth paramilitary unit, apart from the cubs. Maybe that is what counted against me. But I am not going to slag the Catholic Church off too much, because Pope Benedict XVI is 78 and let's face it, probably only has a couple of years left in him. They didn't pay heed to point 1.I will apply again when the joyous day comes when he gets to meet both Jesus and Hitler (the two most important people in his life) and discover which one was actually right. But I think he's hedged his bets pretty well and though he is ostensibly not a Nazi anymore, his hatred of homosexuals and desire to help wipe out the people of Africa by telling them not to use condoms is certainly going to endear him to the Fuhrer, if it happens that Adolf was actually the real Messiah. And Jesus is so wishy-washy, all Benedict has to do is say sorry to him and he'll let him off. Sometimes I wish Jesus had fought back. He had the super-powers to do it. But in the end his restraint made him stronger. Hitler learned that fighting isn't always the best way to get the stuff you want.
I did some ad-libbed material of a similar bent at the gig I did in Brighton last night. The young audience of medical students (but the most glamourous students I have ever seen in my life, incidentally. I don't know if they were studying cosmetic surgery and practising on each other) seemed a little shocked by my rant against John Paul II. I argued that God would want African babies to get AIDS and John Paul II had been right to ensure that was the case. God would rather AIDS was spread than people used protection. No sperm must be wasted, even if that means that the innocent baby that is produced is born with a disease that will most likely ensure that it does not reach maturity. Or ensures that it just reaches maturity and then passes on the disease to a new generation. That's what God is like. He hates humanity. I sometimes wonder why he bothered creating us if he depises and pities us so much.
As I understand it, that is the Catholic position on this subject. Better to be pedantic about a religious point and expect people to achieve your unrealistic expectations, than to accept that the truth is that people have sex with each other sometimes for fun.
It struck me as I was driving home how ironic it is that the Pope is so fastidious on this point. He is, at least in theory, the one person in the world who never uses any of his own sperm for its intended purpose, yet he's lecturing other people on not wasting theirs. There is a lifetime of wasted sperm shooting its way out of the Papal scrotum, only presumably in the form of uncontrollable nocturnal emission which is failing to make babies (AIDS ones or otherwise) because he won't have sex with a lady. How does God feel about that waste of sperm? Is that OK?
And is it OK as long as the sperm finds its way into the anal passage of a choirboy? Because that's how many of the Pope's priests seem to resolve this dichotemy. I suspect they don't use condoms in this case either, because they wouldn't want to offend God and there is always the off-chance that this method of sex might result in some kind of pregnancy. After all Mary got pregnant despite being a virgin, and if you believe that there is nothing to say that a pre-pubescent boy might be able to produce a child in its large intestine if the seed that is sown there is sufficiently holy. It would be a crime against God and the sanctity and power of sperm to not at least attempt it. Repeatedly. Over the course of your life-time. With a succession of youngsters. But only the pretty ones.
I still worry about the Catholic people of Africa who are sensible enough to not use condoms when having sex. Because even if one sperm manages to get through and create another AIDS baby, there are still up to 599,999,999 sperm in each ejaculation that will be redundant and never make an AIDS baby of their own. If I was Pope I would pass an edict that every Catholic man must have every ejaculation sent to a laboratory where the sperm are separated and every single one of them is placed into a woman's foo-foo, so that not a single one is wasted. It would certainly make men think twice about having sex if they knew that every time they did it they would have 600 million mouths to feed. Though if all 600 million babies had AIDS then at least it would only be a short term commitment.
But that's right you religious people, you continue to get angry with me for saying something offensive, rather than your own ideology for resulting in the deaths of babies. I could understand the logic if it was only the naughty people breaking God's rules who get punished, but what have the babies done to deserve this? Don't you think it's time to relax those rules a little bit in certain circumstances?
Is the Pope Catholic?
Unfortunately he is.

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