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Monday 18th April 2005

OK, so he's always been called Richard Blackwood and I have called him Richard Blackwood when I've mentioned him before. I knew that. It was all a part of my clever satire. Yes. He'll always be Richie "Richard" Blackwood to me.
I suppose I always think Richard is a bit of an unwieldy and oddly formal name, which is weird as it is the one I have and which at least written down I choose to use in its full formal form. Look, this website is called www.richardherring.com, not www.rickherring.com or www.dickherring.com. Out of all the names Richard seems to have almost the most possible abbreviations. I don't particularly care for any of them either. "Rich" is the only one that I will countenance for myself, but even that leaves me feeling a bit cold. Rick is totally unacceptable in any circumstance and Richie just reminds me of Richie Cunningham and Richie Blackwood and conjures up an image of a geeky, ginger-haired boy being given an enema whilst Ralph Malph poos in his mouth.
Ricardo has been adopted by some friends, but though that works for some, it would be inappropriate in most circumstances. I don't want my bank manager calling me that.
I always quite liked Richmal, as popularised by Richmal Crompton the creator of the Just William books. But as I discovered with horror when I was about ten, Richmal is a lady author, like JK Rowling disguising her femininity so as not to be abhorred by the boys that she wanted to buy her books. I would insist on being called Richmal if it were not for this evil woman's hijacking of what would be a great variation of Richard.
The whole Dick and Dickie thing doesn't even bear going into, especially for a comedian so obsessed with the penis.
So that's why it's usually Richard when written and Rich when spoken, though I am far from happy with either and wish I'd been given a cool name like Apple or Holdall, but alas my parents (sadly lumbered with their own rubbish names of Barbara and Keith) did not have that kind of imagination. I feel only slightly luckier that I was given my dad's name as my middle name rather than my mum's. To be honest it is a very close call.
And don't get me started about the Herring thing. The worst thing about that is that because I am a comedian people imagine that I have made it up for humorous effect. Like I've sat around for days and the funniest thing I could come up with was naming myself after a fish. It makes me despair.
And yet, I wouldn't change it, for all the jokes at school about being a fishy dick.
It may be the worst name in the world ( apart from Mr Cunto), but it's my name and it is aptly awkward and gauche and slightly wrong and embarrassing.

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