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Back in the big time.
My episode of Bake Off: Stand Up To Cancer aired tonight. and I was confident that my performance was so strong that the phone would start ringing as soon as the credits rolled. I waited by the phone, but it must have been broken because no one rang. Or maybe I will have to wait til business hours tomorrow, but the long and short of it is that finally I will get the celebrity lifestyle I deserve and I won't need you losers any more. So this is the last blog you'll be getting. Fuck the lot of you.
While I'm waiting for the calls I will finish off this blog though, because I am a nice guy. You don't deserve me.
I'd forgotten about most of the stuff that happened so it was fun to watch it back.
They did include the bit where I cut my finger, though didn't show any of the blood. I had to throw everything that I'd done away and start again and the wound kept opening for the rest of the day. They also cut the bit when Hollywood cracked open my snooker board and found a long hair in it. I made an excellent joke explaining why there was white stuff all over the snooker board I had as a teenager, that made the crew laugh. Although the show seems to love double entendres, that one seemed to go too far for them.
I was delighted to achieve a solid fourth place. I reckon I came third in the first challenge, definitely fourth in the technical and third or fourth in the biscuit one. Whichever way you flip that then that's last place. Babatunde got a 2nd, 3rd and 3rd/4th so he definitely beat me on points.
I really wanted Jojo to win - what an incredible personality she is. Molly Mae was very keen to win and was always likely to, but as anyone who has seen me in anything will know, competitiveness is not an attractive quality. I am glad they included the bit where she questioned whether Babatunde's handshake counted. She was joking, but then again, maybe she wasn't. At that point she must have been worried she wouldn't get the star baker apron (though as Phoebe later pointed out, they were hawking those for charity to viewers at the end, so it's not necessarily that great a prize).
If Jojo had followed a recipe for the opening challenge then I think things would have been a lot closer. She was the baker of our hearts, even if she didn't win.
I didn't get a Hollywood handshake, or the even more coveted Hollywood handjob but I did make Paul Hollywood open a bin for me. Which I think is better. Has anyone else achieved that accolade?
