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Tuesday 26th November 2013

Tuesday 26th November 2013

4020 - and so I plough onwards. Ever onwards. Nothing can stop me. Not even death.

If you've been following my work with even a casual level of interest you will probably be aware about my feelings about the okapi. It started, it seems, back in that strange seven weeks where I dated 50 women in 50 days. There were hormones flying around and I was confused and bewildered and on the date to London zoo I became intrigued by this animals hind quarters. And at that stage I hadn't even realised what amazing tongues they have.

I have a model okapi on my desk when I am working. It spurs me on. Reminding me that if I get more successful and richer then I can afford to buy a stately home and have a harem of okapis... I mean a herd of okapis in my grounds for me to look after in whatever way I see fit. I will adorn them with jewelry and fancy clothes and tyr to teach them our human ways. Why am I wasting my time on this blog? I have money to earn. Those okapi earrings aren't going to buy themselves.

Anyway I was upset, on so many levels, to read today that the okapi is now an endangered species. But seriously, who calls it a forest giraffe? It's nothing like a giraffe. If anything it looks like a zebra with human buttocks (like a sort of exotic -and erotic- reverse centaur). That's what they should call it, "The exotic and erotic reverse centaur" or the "short necked, woman-arsed, probing-tongued zebra-giraffe". If you're going to give it a nickname then at least come up with a good one that makes sense.

I am very concerned to find out that the okapi is an endangered species - and the rumours that I have killed most of them by facilitating the spread of okapi clamydia are untrue (I always wear a condom). I would never dream of interfering with an okapi, but we're all allowed our fantasies and I don't want the only okapis that I can use in my disgusting mind-based escapades to be ones from photos in magazines (I am not a pervert). I want to have real life okapis to look at as my inspiration and my muses. So we really must save the okapi. It would be a disaster if future generations of zooaphiles never got to witness this long-eyelashed (I am imagining), human buttocked, nimble tongued creature. I am prepared to organise a benefit for the Okapi Conservation Project, especially if they can arrange for me to have a little corner of the okapi paddock at London zoo that I can sleep in if I am ever stuck in town for some reason. There's nothing funny about it. I'm not the Jimmy Savile of the okapi world, jangling my London zoo keys around, whilst deflecting suspicion by raising funds for the okapis. But even if I am. Isn't it better that the okapis survive, whatever a few okapis have to do in order to ensure that survival? They love it anyway.

Sorry that is inappropriate and clearly not better. And in any case I learned my lesson about that after I did the benefit for the London Zoo tigers. They look like they'd be fun to frolic around with, but they're really not.

I may be shallow and only want to save creatures that I find mysteriously sexually alluring, but it's better than not caring at all. Almost certainly. Please don't let the okapis die out. Those bastards in the nineteenth century already wrecked it for me hunting the quagga to extinction decades before I was born. There are still some stuffed ones around, but I am not a pervert.

If I am lucky enough to procreate with a human, I want my own son (and daughter if she is so inclined) to know the beauty of the okapi. Please help save them. I am pretty sure that I won't be allowed to help save them now. But you can save them for me.

A few more dates have been added to the We're All Going To Die! tour. There may be a couple more to come. They're in Liverpool, Aberdeen, St Albans, Sutton Coldfield and London. Check for all the dates. And do book early as many of them are selling fast. The DVD record will be at the Bloomsbury Theatre in London on 23rd May (also there on the 22nd)

Mark Hocking bid £110 for the menage a un shirt and has already donated it to SCOPE. You can make a donation too - check yesterday's entry for what I can give you in return

The free audio of the RHLSTP with Stephen Merchant is now up at the British Comedy Guide and iTunes

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