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Saturday 22nd May 2004

CNPS numbers spotted 2 (722).

I took 27 to London Zoo. Embarrassingly for much of the date I called her 26. Mistakes like this brought about by dating 50 women in 50 days an becoming confused can completely blow your chances. Luckily I managed to pretend that I had some kind of number dyslexia and thus got her sympathy and so turned a negative into a positive. Women love to discover your hidden pain and then feel sorry for you fellas. If you don't hae any hidden pain, then just invent some (some kind of number dyslexia is a good one) and look like you might cry as you're telling her (don't cry though, women don't like a sap) and then let the good times roll.

I had never been to London Zoo and had not had very high hopes for it, but it was better than I had imagined. Some of the animals looked a bit miserable (a leopard paced up and down along one tiny bit of its cage and the meercats had recently lost their dominant male and so were a bit confused), but most seemed to have enough space to be as happy as any being could be if it spent all its time incarcerated.
Plus, thanks to my specialist knowledge, I was able to keep 26 (sorry 27 - it's a terrible affliction) entertained by telling her what some of the animals' penises were like. Sometimes she would try to test me - "What's a kangaroo's penis like?" - But I wasn't to be tripped up - "The kangaroo has a forked or bifurcated penis" (as you would already know if you read Warming Up regularly and have committed it to memory).
"Why does it have a forked penis though? How does that work?"
"Um...er... oh dear, I accidentally looked at the sign with a number on it and it has made my brain hurt. Hold me."
(If only she knew the truth of how much time I actually spend looking at numbers on a daily basis then she would have been straight out the gate - but although women enjoy feeling sorry for you and being told about the strange penises of other animals, they will never understand CNPS. I wasn't making that mistake again).
In the giraffe house my date got a bit jealous as one of the giraffes was clearly eyeing me up. Although I would like to go out with someone that can move their ears independently of each other I thought it would be rude to flirt back. But further along in the same building was an Okapi. It was standing with its back to us and had a rather attractive rear end. This got us on to a conversation about which animal we would have sex with if we had to have sex with one of them. I said it would definitely be the Okapi - it looked like a sophisticated slim lady wearing zebra striped trousers (well from behind anyway). In fact I decided that I might have sex with an Okapi even if I didn't have to have sex with one of the animals. I was thinking of giving it a go there and then, but again, didn't want to make my date feel uncomfortable.
27 thought that if she absolutely had to have sex with one of the animals then it would probably have to be the gorilla.
Again my knowledge came into play, "It might not be as much fun as you think. The gorilla actually has a very small penis."
"It's amazing what you learnt researching your book," said 27.
"Yes.... my book. I learnt that from my book. I meant gorillas in general when I said that, not just the gorilla in this zoo. Because I've never been here before and anyone who says I have and that I can regularly be seen prowling the cages under the cloak of night looking for consenting animal partners is lying."
Suddenly all the sympathy about the number dyslexia thing seemed to disappear.

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