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Sunday 23rd May 2004

CNPS numbers spotted 7 (729)

More animal-based hi-jinks today, when I took 28 to Longleat Safari Park. Secretly I was hoping to catch a view of my new love, the Okapi, but things were not to be. I might have been in for a shock if I had as I realised I had only seen the Okapi from behind yesterday (but what a behind). Maybe its face would be hideous, like Bella Emburg or something. Of course when you're in love it's not what someone's face looks like, it's how nice their arse is. But if I were to steal an Okapi from a zoo and have it come live with me in my home, then I think it would be rude to always stand behind it and never have a conversation face to face. The Okapi is not all that clever and might not notice for a while, but eventually it is bound to spot a pattern and become sensitive and offended. At which point I suppose I could always kill and eat it and then just buy/steal another Okapi. They're all the same.
Some people might think it is rude to eat your lover, but like that bloke in Germany, I think it is both sexy and respectful. Provided I can just get my Bella Emburg Okapi to sign something beforehand which gives its permission.
Thanks to their stupidity this shouldn't be difficult.
Who'd have thought I would date 50 women, but end up living with a strange kind of horse, before being imprisoned for its theft, murder and consumption? It's the ultimate plot twist.
It seems suspicious that Lord Bath doesn't have an Okapi: he has every other kind of animal in his park. Of course, I realised eventually where the Okapis were. The notoriously randy Marquis had not doubt started with a whole herd of the beasts, but tempted them one by one into his stately home where they became the latest addition to his infamous harem of wifelets. Then when he became bored and they started noticing that he was always standing behind them he would cook and eat them, before bringing in his next victim from the safari park.
Touring the house I had my suspicions confirmed when I came down a staircase which was lined with paintings, done by the eccentric aristocrat, of 50 different Okapis.
It was no surprise that he had painted each animal from the rear*.

* I just want to make it clear that this is a made up fantasy idea, based on the fact that Lord Bath has a staircase with paintings of his wifelets lining the wall. I am imagining a different, but similar stair-case and don't want you thinking that I am implying the actual real and existent stair-case has 50 pictures of women wity faces like a mammal's (admittedly very attractive) rear end.

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