The Oyster card system has changed transport in London. On the whole I like it. For those of you outside the capital, it's a little credit card that you can load money onto and then you run it over a scanner at the gates to the tube or on the bus and it will let you through. Currently (as the transport folks try to convince us all to take it up) it is a lot cheaper to travel with an Oyster card than to buy a ticket. A single journey will cost about four pounds on the tube, whilst it's half that with the card. Which is good as long as you remember to take it with you.
But after an evening out with a friend tonight I arrived at the station to find I had stupidly left my Oyster card at home.
So now I would have to fork out a princely sum of four whole pounds for a two pound journey. It seemed unfair that I was to be punished for being forgetful, but my friend had an idea of how to circumvate the payment. As luck would have it we were both travelling to Shepherd's Bush and she had her Oyster card, so she suggested that I follow her through the turnstyle when she went through. It was illegal, but morally I felt it was right. There have been a couple of occasions recently when I have been in a hurry and clocked in with my Oyster, but then had to wait too long for the tube, so left to get a cab. You still get charged for a journey, unless you ask for the money back, which I have never had time to do. So London Underground owed me. And anyway I felt like breaking the law. It was exciting.
I knew there would be a problem though. Whilst it was easy enough to surreptitiously sneak through the gate at busy Tottenham Court Road, at Shepherd's Bush (central line) there are nearly always staff hanging around the gates. And there's only maybe three gates to go through. We would be very lucky to get away with this clever scam.
But I was committed to the deceit now and we agreed that if anyone saw what we were doing we'd both run for it. It felt good being a man of nearly 40 years of age conspiring to carry out such a teenage scam. What if I got caught? How embarrassing would it be?
Sure enough when we got to the brightly lit Shepherd's Bush concourse, a beady eyed looking Underground employee was standing at the gates, surveying everyone who went by. Surely we wouldn't get away with this. Our only chance was to act with confidence and focus and hope he wouldn't be suspecting a middle aged man of fare dodging, when there were so many hoodies and hoodlums around.
We went for it and either the balding man at the gates did not see us or did not care. I had got away with it. It was the crime of the century. I felt exhilirated and alive. Though do not copy me. I am a fictional character and thus not beholden to the laws of this land. You would be sent to prison if you attempted to copy me, the Jesse James of West London.
The magic of the night was compounded by a beautiful lunar eclipse. I stood in the garden and watched the moon turn red and marvelled at being part of the cosmic ballet. It was surely a reward from God for my crime and a sign that God approves of defrauding the Underground system. There can be no other explanation.
