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Wednesday 26th November 2014

4385/17304
It will never end.
In another misguided attempt to sell tickets for next week’s London run of Lord of the Dance Settee, I was up early to appear on the Wright Stuff. But at least this was an environment that I felt a lot more comfortable in and I was a bit more with it than I was at this early hour on Sunday, despite having had a fair amount to drink last night. I may still have been drunk.
It’s easy to dismiss the show as light-entertainment tabloid fare, but it’s been running a long time. I first appeared on it to promote the Talking Cock book, which was a long time ago - I was younger and more cynical then and a bit embarrassed to be on, but over the years I’ve done it a few more times (once memorably with Carol Thatcher, which gave me some good material for Hitler Moustache) and I have come to really like Matthew Wright, who is happy to stand up to some of his more idiotic callers and has some surprisingly progressive views (my wife had enjoyed him taking a viewer to task over gender identified books and toys yesterday and he’d shown the argument for “The Dangerous Book for Boys” -rather than Kids- to be dumb as fuck). Also, aside from usual TV constraints on bad language there is no attempt to censor or guide the panellists. So whilst some of the subjects might be trivial, it was pretty cool to be on TV voicing my scepticism about public school’s “charity” status and suggesting that A level grades should be marked down by 1% for every £10,000 that had been spent on education. The fact I was debating with Anne Diamond and Louis Spence made it all a bit more surreal, but it’s actually rather marvellous that these things are being debated anywhere. And I got in some cheeky jokes about Marc Almond and losing my virginity and what can they do about it? It’s live. Utterly convinced that it has zero impact on ticket sales, but I was still happy to take part. I got a cup of coffee and a danish pastry for my trouble. I am at a stage where I will work for food. And it’s just nice to be out of the house and talking to people. On Thursday I am on the Radcliffe and Maconie Show on 6Music, which at least is my demographic and is always lots of fun. But there are no pastries or coffee or food of any kind (I might get a glass of water) and I won’t even be in the same room as them, as I’ll be in a tiny studio in London. Matthew Wright actually kissed me on the neck/cheek when he saw me, so that was another bonus. If only more presenters were prepared to put out a bit I’d go on these thing every day. Some food and a bit of physical comfort in this harsh and unfriendly world.
I couldn’t remember if I’d actually met Anne Diamond before and made the Olly Murs rookie error of saying “Nice to meet you” instead of “Nice to see you”. I have a feeling I might have done this show with her before. She’s probably still smarting from the revelation that I wanted to team up with Nick Owen and not her. But I did remember the first time I’d ever seen Anne Diamond when she was the fresh, new young and trendy reporter on Nationwide. She’d caused quite a stir (in my trousers anyway) but presenting her report with a cool head band on. Nationwide was a bit of a fusty programme and this had seemed as significant a piece of anarchy as anything the Sex Pistols could manage. She was no Janet Ellis, but she still set my pulse racing with her conformist blend of rebellion. I didn’t tell her of my youthful crush today and instead just jousted a little about whether public schools were a good idea. Life has a surreal way of playing out. What unimaginable things will the future throw into my path?
The audio version of the RHLSTP with Rebecca Front is now up at the British Comedy Guide and iTunes.


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My new stand up show, Lord of the Dance Settee will be touring from October 2014 to May 2015 All details here.
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