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Wednesday 2nd September 2015


One more day of the mini-break by the Suffolk seaside and we spent the morning catching crabs. Not like that! Oh no, hold on, you thought I meant the crustaceans, obviously, that was the most likely reference given our location. You’re right. We were catching crabs in that sense.

I had Phoebe on my chest in a sling and so was pretending I was the bloke from Total Recall with the baby’s face in his chest and let everyone else get on with tricking crabs out of the water with some raw bacon. Once easily caught the crabs got put in a bucket for a bit, before being released back into the water for another child to catch tomorrow. I suppose it’s a living. The crabs get a bit of raw bacon and some mild peril and the kids get to think they are expert fisherfolk. Everyone has won.

The tide was pretty high today and one end of the bridge we were on was cut off from the path by the rising water. We didn’t worry about that too much. But then we noticed that we were the only people left on the bridge and that the water had cut us off in both directions. Was this the crab’s revenge for us mildly inconveniencing them when they were trying to get things done? No. But it did mean I had to remove my shoes and socks and roll up my trousers and wade through the cold, three inch deep water to get my daughter to safety (so that she could live to tell Quaid, whatever the secret information was - I’ve seen the film at least 20 times and I don’t really know - was it the three-breasted lady’s phone number?).  Still it was a mild thrill and a tiny bit of peril for us, so we got to know how the crabs must have felt. 

In the afternoon we went to Southwald pier to play on the Under the Pier arcade. This is an utterly fabulous experience combining money-stealing arcade games with satire and modern art, largely created by Tim Hunkin who is a fucking genius. It’s all very funny and slightly creepy and frightening. We were able to have our hair analysed to tell us our personalities and future, did a lying down work-out led by Jane Fonda, alongside Joan Collins and Osama Bin Laden, were submerged beneath the pier to see Southwald under the sea where we were eaten by a radioactive fish and got to bash some bankers like whack-a-moles. Seriously one of the most enjoyable hour’s I have ever spent at the seaside. All piers should have subversive and satirical arcades (that still take loads of money off you). The Photo Booth was fun too and we even got a picture of our reincarnated selves.

After an ice-cream on the beach front it was time to come home. Even though Phoebe was too young to participate in any of this yet, it felt so lovely to be doing stuff like this as a family. And as always she was shrieking with joy and laughing like a look at everything she saw (apart from the sea, which bored her). I look forward to the days when she’s running around and getting into mischief and falling off the promenade on to the sand below, but for now just being a family unit and doing stuff like this and not being at work is the best.

It was a long drive home, but I managed to listen to both of this week’s shows on the way. There is much to be done, but at least some of it is familiar. Back to work tomorrow, but lovely to have a holiday. Some of it was subversive and ironic, but I enjoyed it on its basic level too. Newsflash: family is more important than work. I can’t believe everyone else hasn’t realised this. Stop working and just go to the seaside. I see no downside to this plan

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My new stand up show, Happy Now? will be touring from September 2015 to June 2016 All details here.
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