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Tour facts-
Dorking Halls February 2nd. In 1995 the film Look who’s Dorking was released. Kirstie Allie gave birth to a wisecracking Surrey market town voiced by Bruce Willis and John Travolta has to help her to ensure all public amenities run smoothly.
Everything seemed to be going our way. The kitchen was prepped for the arrival of a replacement oven (we waited months for a repair, only to be told that the part we needed was no longer made - but we should be grateful in a way as this faulty appliance was the only reason we had a carbon monoxide alarm in the house- and had now waited weeks for a delivery slot). We’d got the kids to bed and I’d even for my daughter into her pyjamas. We were awaiting the arrival of BT infinity which was going to magically come through the internet taps before midnight. There was a fish pie in the over. I was having a rum and ginger beer that made me feel like I was on holiday and also gave me a pleasant giddiness. We were tired and looking forward to an early nightNothing could possibly go wrong.
The carbon monoxide alarm went off in the kitchen. And my wife hadn’t dropped a hoover on it. It was beeping and saying that there was Carbon Monoxide in the room at 375 parts per million. Which doesn’t sound like a lot. But you don’t need much carbon monoxide to kill you. You’ve heard the phrase one in a million. That's about carbon monoxide.
It seemed pretty clear that the fucking boiler flue was to blame again. I turned off the boiler and the numbers on the monitor dropped to nothing. Were we really going to have to go through all of this again for the third time in two months with a brand new boiler? Was this our life now? Two weeks of relative warmth, followed by a few days of no central heating? Would we have to move to get away from this curse? Can baby ghosts fart carbon monoxide?
We waited for the man to come and inevitably shut down our boiler again and I hoped our new oven might at least heat the kitchen - the coldest part of the house. It had been greedy to expect all the house to be warm.
I had assumed my purchase of four more CO alarms had been a waste of money, but in fact it paid off very quickly. A nice man came to shut down our boiler as predicted and we turned on the electric heater that we’d been planning to move out of our bedroom, but which it turned out we needed again.
I wondered how long we’d be without central heating this time and whether we’d ever sort out if the boiler or the installation was at fault. I thought about smashing the boiler to pieces and shelling out for a new one, even though this one cost thousands, is four months old and is still in warranty.
But as it turned out there was more to come...
