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Wednesday 28th May 2003

A car in Midmoor Rd (also as you are probably aware home to numbers 135 and 136) has an amusing bumper sticker on it. It says “Unless you’re a haemorrhoid, GET OFF MY ASS!”
Which is all well and good as far as it goes. I presume he is trying to inform drivers behind him not to come too close (which is sensible advice, as in the event of an emergency stop they might crash into the back of him)
But there is an implicit flaw in the advice. The fact is that haemorrhoids are extremely unpleasant (so I hear) and no-one in their right mind would want one of them on his backside. So really the sign should read, “Unless you’re a haemorrhoid, GET OFF MY ASS! And actually, also if you are a haemorrhoid, can you also get off my ass, because it’s quite painful when you are on there. Thanks.”
Actually, even that isn’t really sufficient, because why would you have to give that advice to a haemorrhoid on the back of your car. So it should then say, “And if you are a haemorrhoid, what are you doing, sort of disembodied, behind me on the road? How are you able to live independent of a human body? Surely you can’t even read, so am I not totally wasting my time in putting this advice to you on the back of my car anyway?”
All right itÂ’s not the catchiest of bumper stickers, but itÂ’s accurate. It's funny because it's true.
It would probably be better if the bumper sticker just said, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t drive too close to the back of my car, because in the event of an emergency your closeness might result in a collision.”
No, even that wouldn’t be good enough. You’d have to add, “Unless of course we are in a traffic jam or very slow moving traffic in which case it would be ridiculous and annoying for you to maintain a thirty foot distance. Clearly you should consider the circumstances and the weather conditions carefully and make a common sense judgement as to what would be the safest distance to be at. You probably know this already. I suppose it’s slightly arrogant of me to give you advice about your driving. You don’t give me advice about my rubbish and ultimately illogical sense of humour, so I should just leave you alone. In the event of you rear-ending me you will take liability for the accident, so you realise that is in your interests to drive sensibly. To be honest, if you’re the kind of idiot who likes to risk everyone’s life by driving too close at high speeds, then a humorous sign telling you not to is going to have no effect (except possibly to make you deliberately drive even closer), so I think I’ll just shut up. Just pretend I didn’t say anything.”
Again, maybe bumper sticker that was that long would cause more accidents than it prevented, as drivers struggled to read it.
Of course, there is another possibility. The driver of the car might have a donkey, which he doesnÂ’t want anyone to ride. But he doesnÂ’t like his donkey. He thinks the donkey is an idiot. The donkey annoys him. So he wants the donkey to get piles.
Of course once again he has failed to realise that haemorrhoids are not conscious creatures. They can not read, or exist independently and in fact to imagine them getting on to a donkey or an anus is a misunderstanding of all medical fact.
So the bloke or woman who owns that car is a twat whatever the circumstances. Go and stand by his (or her) car and whenever he (or she) comes out to drive it, point out how stupid they are.
Keep doing it until they remove the sticker.

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