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Threads is now my goto social media spot if I want to leave a sarcastic comment about the stupid crap people say in there. It's not an open sewer like Twitter, it's not full of people taking jokes at face value like Bluesky, but it seems to have a lot of people/bots expressing opinions, probably solely so that people will RT them and they will get more views and maybe more money. Which would be a sad way to make money, but then who am I to talk?
The other day someone posted something like "The amazing thing about God is that He knows the exact number of hairs on your head." The reason I can't give you the quote is because I commented, "That's why I shave my pubes" and the poster either blocked me or deleted the thought.
I don't want some creepy God keeping an ongoing count of my hair follicles. Though for people who like their jokes explained fully (hi, Bluesky) there's also some humour in my foolishness for thinking shaving my pubes would stop God looking down there or knowing how many hairs would be growing if I hadn't shaved. Why's He interested? Who knows? Not even God I suspect. Though he must be pretty bored up there. Maybe it's like Groundhog Day and you'll do anything to pass the time, even if it's counting the hair on everyone's head and keeping a running total in your hair and presumably also knowing how many blood cells are in their body, how many feathers every bird has, how many grains of sand are on the beach. No wonder He's distracted from all the war and sex trafficking that's going on.
Why would anyone think this idea was a positive for God or for them? Does God knowing how many hairs are on your head mean he cares about you - if that was a person you'd think they were a psychopathic stalker?
For God's sake and for ours I would hope that He isn't always keeping up this ridiculous count - having to reassess every time a hair falls out or a new one grows, deciding how far above the skin surface a hair has to be to be included and so on. I would imagine that if you were to meet Him and say "How many hairs on on my head right now?" He could tell you straight away, but He's not carrying billions of hair/fur/scale counts around in His head at all times. He can pull up the information instantaneously if needed, but again I would think He'd be perplexed and confused if you asked Him that.
It's a bit of a waste of his powers. What are you attempting to achieve? He's the creator of the Universe not David Copperfield or David Copperfield or David Copperfield (magician/comedian/fictional character).
Look, I am looking forward to getting to Heaven as much as anyone and getting these kinds of answers. Yeah it'll be cool to find out the meaning of life and which religion was right and all the secrets of your life and which people fucked you over and which ones were nice and the all the crimes that people got away with (until now). But I reckon the first things I'd want to find out from an all knowing God (and again I hope He pulls this up from a database rather than carrying it around in His head at all times) are what is the total volume of faecal matter/urine/sperm that I produced in my life? Or how many times did I think of the word "blancmange"? Or can I have a league table of all my farts from most grotesque to least offensive and maybe have a play back of them all? Or can you show me a tower made of all my nail clippings or a statue of me made from all the hair I grew in my lifetime?
I reckon God is used to people asking stuff like that and as an all knowing deity is able to give you the answer straight away. But surely He's not thinking about that even when He's not being asked. And I bet He sets a limit of three questions per person or it'd just become unmanageable. Most of us wouldn't impose, I know and would feel weird asking Him about any of that. But the kind of person who thinks they're so special that the creator of the Universe keeps an update of their hair count, but doesn't then think about whether that includes pubes and what that says about God - come on they are going to testing the old Fucker on everything aren't they?
So how many hairs did I have on my head at 3am on the 23rd February 1987? What about 4am? Much change by 5am? On and on for infinity.
No wonder He's planning to wipe us out properly this time.
I can't tell you what discipline it has been to come up with stuff for so many days and then be able to cram everything I wanted to say into the strict 5 minute slot given to me by the Sky Potato Corporation. But somehow Ally and I (and some other puppets) have managed it.
Still no call from TV, but they're probably smarting from me calling them the Lamestream media (I invented that). They should understand though that if the money is right I will very happily switch sides and become a puppet mouthpiece for whatever political opinion the channel is espousing. I can't talk for Ally though.
Every now and again it strikes me how crazy it is that in the modern world we can produce so much content. In the 1990s if I had wanted to do 100 episodes of a puppet lead news show and someone was stupid enough to commission it, it would have taken the whole of the 1990s to get to that number. It's crazy that I have 100 Newsrounds, almost 100 Twitch of Funs (falling sadly short at about 99f of them - so close), around about 1000 interview podcasts and then hundreds of Collings and Herrin, snooker, stone clearing, AIOTM and whatever stupid ideas I've had over the last couple of decades and forgotten about. Not to mention 8692 blogs (once this one is finished).
How did I also manage to do some proper work as well? I am not sure.
Maybe I should be more concerned with quality rather than quantity, but where would that get me? Six really good things or 10,000 slightly ropey things? There's got to be seven good ones in there somewhere. You just have to reach into the bucket and hope you pick one out.
Anyway I am fortunate to have the freedom to do 100 episodes of this nonsense, even if I can't say the same for the audience. If you do something 100 times you (usually) get better at it and discover whether an idea works or not. Rich and Ally's Craven Newsround is, I believe, what the internet was invented for. Any other positive aspect is just a sideline to this.
At its best Newsround is properly funny and satirical and at its worse it is probably even more entertaining. What the Hell are you watching here? I've seen every episode and even I am not sure.
Thanks for coming along on the ride, if you haven't. But this train has infinity seats and you can hop on and off at any time.
Listen here.
