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Unbelievably it's only a little bit more than a week til we open with Educating Rita in the West End (of Hitchin) - it's actually pretty much bang in the centre, but then so is London's West End, so shut your fucking mouth.
I have not yet fully learned the script, but I am a lot closer than I was a week ago and it feels like I should have it all basically up in my memory banks by the 18th. I have to say there was a time when I thought that getting it all crammed in there would be impossible. I used to find it so easy to learn lines and am still not too bad if I myself have written something, but my brain is no longer a sponge. Or if it is it's one of those very brittle dry ones that bits can fall off very easily and don't get wet again however much water you pour on them and just disintegrate.
I did a couple of rehearsals today, one with Anna who plays Rita, which was mainly an attempt to get the lines in our heads and work out the tricksy bits where the script suddenly goes somewhere unexpected or where you have to follow the same line for a third time and be careful not to say the wrong line and then get trapped in an inescapable loop.
We were more on top of things than I had thought we would be. She's excellent in the role and my only aim is to say all the words in the right order, whilst making no attempt to add light, shade or emotional context.
We did a more official rehearsal of the second act in the studio and the set is taking shape. We haven't really been working with the actual props or costumes and it feels like there is a lot to sort out, but a week of intense rehearsal should sort us out.
In some ways, of course, none of it really matters. It's a tiny studio theatre of a tiny theatre in a relatively small town and the audiences, I am sure, will be forgiving. But we're both performers and we both know that however small the crowd, a poor showing by us will be humiliating.
Despite the fears and nervousness and the challenge of a two-hander play I am very much enjoying the experience.
Acting again is bringing up all sorts of questions for me. At University I was considered a good actor and comedy performer, but when I came into the real world it seemed people redefined me as a writer who did a bit of performing. As I've talked about many times my confidence got seriously shaken by the experience of the Edinburgh Fringe 1988, but equally being a good performer in University terms versus the real world are two very different things. And I did work with some people who turned out to be the greatest comedy performers of their generation
If you lose confidence as a performer or are undermined by other people then it's pretty difficult to fake it. And 1988 definitely undermined me.
No one is going to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself, especially in this business.
My insecurity has given me lots of comedic possibilities, though up to 88 my persona was the confident and swaggering, so it just sent me a different way. One day I will have therapy about this, but not today.
So look, it's great to be given an interesting role and just be able to do it for fun. As in all things I am surprisingly adequate. Luckily or unluckily only a few hundred people are going to see this so it's very low stakes, but I am determined to do as good a job as possible. I'd say come and see how I do, but it's sold out. So I'll be a proper confident/delusional actor and just tell you that I was great in it and didn't forget a single thing.
Should anyone be judging the women who starred in Charlie's Angels for either growing old or refusing to grow old? Only a 134 year old Ventriloquist dummy can give you the correct answer.
