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Score of 72 today - So close. This thing is rigged. It was up to 78 at one point and everything I ate was higher than that, but it still went down!
Up super early to get the kids off to their grandparents and then take them all to the station so they could head off to Edinburgh. I couldn't face it this year, even as a spectator, after last year made me sad and sent hurtling back into my crippling chocolate button addiction. It's fitting that I may just be in the process of repairing that damage as the others head back up there. Though I was really sad that they were going and wondered if I'd made a mistake. Phoebe was sad too, which surprised me as she's been missing her mum, but not unreasonably, as much as she pretends to hate me and jokes about me, she wants us all to be together.
An unexpected road closure threatened to fuck up all our plans and ten minutes from the in-laws house I had to turn around and find another way, which I eventually managed but with some difficulty.
But then they were gone and I had the house to myself (if you don't count the dog and the cats - who are pretty demanding to be fair).
I cooked a big meal involving black-eyed beans (I can fart to my heart's content and more importantly my sphincter's content for four whole days) and tried to tidy up a bit.
I did a stone clear and two other dog walks. I smashed it with Zoe.
I had the slight fear that as night came and there was no noise and no baths and no bedtimes (other than my own) that I might feel lonely or freak out, but the solitude was fine.
Back in the 90s the idea of spending any night in the flat by myself filled me with dread and depression. Now I am very comfortable with my own company. My circumstances are very different of course, but I have a contentment with my lot that I didn't have then. I am also old and glad to be rid of the fear of missing out and the desire to kiss strangers that I then had. I texted with Phoebe and she seemed OK and much as I missed putting her and her brother to bed, it was noticeable how much more time being an essential non-parent gives you. That couple of hours between dinner and bedtime is hectic and usually crazy and once you're through it you're too tired to do much. I didn't do much, but I appreciated the extra time, the calm and the solitude. And yet chatting with my little girl on the phone and her sending me a sick emoji when I told her I loved her confirmed to me that I prefer the madness to the calm.
In a few years the chaos will be replaced with something different and a few years later the chaos will be out of the house and all my evenings will be my own. The chaos is aggravating at times, but I know I will miss it. But not tonight. Tonight I was alone and happy with the safety net of knowing I had people who loved me and no need to go crazily into the night in the hope of filling a void at my centre.
I slept OK, though I know that I won't be able to sleep in. You see if I am wrong.
