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That’s it. I think I’ve done it. Another book “finished” (there will be a little more back and forth over minor errors etc or if my editor thinks any my changes are egregious, but it’s basically there). As I said before, I could easily spend a dozen years tinkering from this point and always find something to change or a new joke to add or a bad one to be taken out, but I am as pleased as I can be. I had a Solero to celebrate. Which if you’ve read the book is an apt celebration. It’s unlikely you have read the book, unless you are my wife, my editor or my agent though. But this blog isn’t all about you.
No time to relax though as I had to prep for next week’s book club and then record the chat with the wonderful Francesca Stavrakapoulou. I love the scope of the book club, because books more or less have endless scope and this is a more academic chat, but still one with lots of talk about cocks and bumholes and the delights of hearing an academic swearing.
I think this might have been the most arduous Good Friday that anyone has had to endure, because I couldn’t even relax then. It was my turn to look after the kids from 2pm I’d also done the trickier 6.30-8.30am slot so I think I ended the day in child-care credit. Though I think all parents (well the ones who share duties) end up feeling like that every day. I am thinking of inventing an app, a bit like a chess timer, which works on two (or more phones) that gives you accurate statistics at the end of the week as to individual and joint child care timings. It would also work for housework and nights out and everything else. This might also encourage competitive men to do more than their fair share as I know that I am extremely motivated to defeat my wife in this war that is being a parent. And prove to her that I do the most. Marriage is a battle and there can be only one winner and the only prize is moral superiority. App designers, get in touch. You can have 10% of the income.
Maybe there could also be league tables across everyone using the app to find out who is the best parent in the world. I think it would definitely be me. I did over four hours with the kids this afternoon and then put them to bed on my own. No one can beat that.
I took the kids to the supermarket and then to the rec to play on their bikes. The sun shone, time passed quickly, another family we know were there and so that made the childcare easier. Should the app reflect that? Or is that just bonus time? Hey, if you choose to employ a childminder on your time that’s up to you. It still counts as your time. You have to play the system, not the man.
It was a great relief to be playing with the kids having finished my work and not having anything massive hanging over me any more. In some ways playing in the park with your kids is better than writing a book and being a TV celebrity (who may not have been on TV for the whole of 2021 and only has two TV gigs in 2022, but it still counts). Apart from when my daughter (who is brilliant on her bike) tried to show off some cycling skill to her friends, shouting for her attention with a “Look at this” before failing to do what she wanted and nearly falling off and I said, “Nice one Phoebe” in what I thought was a friendly and funny way that would allow her to laugh it off and try again, but instead she ran off into the middle of the field crying and saying I’d ruined everything - apart from that… I was a brilliant dad. She forgave me at bath time.
My son continues to be spookily exactly like me, going for the laugh, sometimes getting one accidentally and being really excited and asking “Was that an adult joke?” Mainly failing, but always trying. Today as I wrote my book the kids wrote some Easter stories with their mum. Ernie dictated this one to his mum, even adding details of what he wanted her to draw, before illustrating it himself with somewhat cruder pictures. This is so like one of
my Men of Phise stories (though if anything slightly more mature, even though he is younger than I was when I came up with that masterwork). Ernie things fairies and angels are the same things - he calls them fairies, but for clarity Catie has called them “fairy angels” which is a brilliant diss against religion.
It’s called Jesus and the Angry People
"Jesus was had magic powers and it was very dangerous. And then one day Jesus he knowed how to control his powers. Because when he was a grown up he made people live again. And then Jesus died on a cross. And they put him in a coffin as well. And then the fairy angel made Jesus alive again. And then the angry people found Jesus. And Jesus made a sword with his magic powers and then he killed all of them.”
Ernie then wanted the coffins drawn at the end to show how many victims had fallen victim to zombie Jesus.
It is a bold young author who will attempt to make Jesus their central character. Even I nudged things over to the Pharisees in terms of bringing in extreme violence. But I like this feisty Jesus, taking no shit. That’s the way to deal with angry people. With your magic zombie sword of justice after being raised from the dead by a fairy.
Also I have to say, I love the pictures of Jesus, presumably dead and then alive again, after the murders and looking very smug and Holy. Aaaaaah!
I couldn’t be more proud. And after my chat with Francesca Ernie’s story is no crazier than the stuff that did (and didn’t quite) make it into the Bible.
This week’s RHLSTP book club is with Greg Jenner about his excellent and fun book “Ask A Historian”.
Listen here.
Please buy the books - I am only selecting ones that I think are great and the more influence the podcast can have on sales, the more amazing guests I will be able to bring you.
