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Will the plague upon our house ever end? Three quarters of us had some level of stomach upset today, Phoebe most spectacularly. I’d look after the kids in the morning and Catie and her parents took the afternoons, whilst I pushed on with the book. But Catie was out in the evening and I was doing the bed time solo and just after my in laws left Phoebe and I was helping Ernie in the loo, Phoebe walked out into the hallway and spectacularly threw up all over the hallway floor. For ages.
Parenthood is all about coping with stuff like this. My first job was to check Phoebe was OK, but she was on the other side of a lake of puke. Ernie and me had to go round a different way to get to her without stepping in sick. Luckily the expulsion had made her feel better and she’d expertly got all the vomit on the floor and none of it on herself - that’s my girl, so I took her to get some water and then put the kids to bed, before returning to the scene of the crime to clear things up.
I did a good job and then mopped everything down and through a bag full of pukey kitchen roll into the outside bin. This is being a parent. It’s expected. I went back upstairs to read Phoebe a story, but she had fallen asleep. The little chicken poxed, vomiting angel. I’m having crazy fun with them, even when they empty the entire contents of their stomachs at my feet.
I then went and played snooker against myself, because that’s just what a parent does.
I hurried Ernie into bed saying that we had to be quick as daddy was working tonight, but then caught myself and admitted that I couldn’t call it work.
The snooker went OK, but my favourite thing was getting sucked (not literally) into a flight of fancy where Me2 tried to trash talk about the possibility that he’d get to 69 frames won tonight and imagined his reward was a 69 with Me1. Somehow he got to the point where he described it as a human ladder with rungs made of dicks. And I couldn’t be more proud to have conjured up that image from nowhere. Even I didn’t know it was coming.
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Joining Dara O Briain on RHLSTP next Monday will be the glorious Amy Gledhill. Can’t believe there are still tickets for this show or the final one with Alan Davies and Ardal O Hanlon -
Come and see it live!
