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Thursday 5th January 2006

Reader Ewan Parry has been in touch to make a self-confessed pedantic point about my King Kong sex with woman analysis (or anal-ysis. I am funny). Here's what the Parrster has to say "A Silverback Gorilla's penis is about an inch long, and since King Kong is at one point in the film said to be 25ft tall, about five times bigger than an average Gorilla, that would give him a roughly average-sized penis for a human male. Just be glad someone told you that after you watched the film, I couldn't get that thought out of my head the whole time."
Even so Parrister, I would argue they would have to make love very gently and carefully to avoid injury to Ann. And I am not sure that King Kong would be tender enough, or in touch enough with his feelings to be happy with the woman going on top. Still good to know that my original solution to their love-making problems would not have to be the only way out (or in).

When I was about 17 my cat-hating sister got me a T-shirt with the hilarious motif, "I've got a drink problem.... I just can't afford it!!" This is funny because to begin with you imagine that the wearer has an awful and debilitating illness that would make it hard for them to function in society, but then the additional line reveals that in fact the problem is not chronic alcoholism, but insufficient funds to afford the booze in the first place. Ha ha ha.
It's a shame Charles Kennedy didn't get a similar T-shirt from his sister as a young man, because if he had he could have begun his shock admission to the press today by somberly admitting, "I've got a drink problem." The assembled press would have gasped with the shock of such unexpected news (I mean, who knew?) and then after leaving a pause and pulling a serious face he could have added, "I just can't afford it!" The press's expectations would have been subverted and from thence the humour would have arisen and a after a beat to take in the new piece of information, laughter would have been the unstoppable response. Kennedy could have given every one a cheeky wink and smile and he would have looked like a brilliant bloke. He could even have got some political capital out of the news conference by adding, "In fact, under the Labour government the cost of alcohol has risen ten-fold and we in the liberal party pledge to make alcohol affordable to even the most desperate and self-loathing alcoholic." Like Rory Bremners he would have made us laugh and think about the political issues, making Tony Blairs look like an idiot. Then as the press were writing that down he could have quietly said, "Actually I do have a drink problem," knowing full well that the sound bite obsessed journalist scum would only write down his funny and satirical comments, leaving him high, though obviously not dry.
I enjoyed listening to Kennedy's admission on the radio nonetheless, especially his comment that he should have mentioned this before. It was as if he was trying to get some Brownie points by looking all honest and stuff, and yet he was only finally owning up because a journalist was about to reveal the evidence that would make his former denials look like the stupid lies they actually were.
Let's have a look at some of those denials. As recently as December 19th Kennedy told Jonathan Dimbleby, "Yes I am actually an extremely moderate and infrequent consumer of alcohol, as a matter of fact" (is it possible to be extremely infrequent or extremely moderate? No it isn't. We should have spotted his lie. He was going to say I am extremely heavy drinker and then managed to lie his way out of it at the last second). He later said, "if there's something my doctor wants me to do over the holiday period, as a matter of fact, it is to give up smoking."
Do you spot the pattern. Whenever Kennedy is lying he says, "as a matter of fact" trying to draw our attention away from his mendacity, by claiming what he is saying is truthful. Brilliant. He almost got away with this breathtakingly unexpected technique.
The problem therefore with Kennedy wanting to stay on as leader isn't that he is an alcoholic, or that he has lied until he is blue in the face (quite an accomplishment for the red faced dipsomaniac), but that in future we will all be able to tell when he is lying to us, because he will say "as a matter of fact" afterwards.

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