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This afternoon I popped to the Westfield to pick up some cobbled shoes (like a Victorian might) and do a bit of work in a cafe. At no point was I given a blow job by a pregnant woman and to be honest I am a bit disappointed in that. Because it's apparently the kind of thing that can happen in this Cathedral to consumerism/target for terrorism. I don't know if the Westfield have just planted this story in the busy run up to Christmas to encourage voyeurs and people who hope that once the action gets started and in all the kerfuffle they might accidentally get their cock sucked by a stranger or be able to suck someone else's cock. But let's just say it seemed a bit busy for a Friday.
I sat in the new Costa in Debenhams, my cock definitely unsucked and I saw no other cocks being sucked or other genitals being licked or even any nipples being cheekily tweaked, which was very disappointing. I had hoped at least to see a pregnant woman spit her husband's semen into a tissue and then throw it behind a plant-pot, but the closest I got to that was the man next to me getting down on his hands and knees in order to plug in his phone. The plugs in the new Costa are badly postponed, perhaps deliberately in the hope that once someone is down there they might kill two birds with one stone. But he seemed more interested in getting his plug into the socket, than getting my plug into his socket. And though the second plug means penis there, the first one means plug. And the second socket means mouth, but the first one means socket.
He struggled for ages though, which I would have thought was suspicious had I not just gone through the exact same pantomime myself. In fact I trumped him (not a euphemism) because I also hit my head on the table as I tried to get back up again. I failed to knock my coffee over which would have made it the perfect slapstick moment. But no one was at the Westfield to see a middle-aged man acting like a low rent Frank Spencer (if such a thing is possible) and being covered in coffee. We were there to see horny pregnant women suck off their husbands. And none of us, as far as I am aware, saw that.
Personally for me, if the Westfield are doing all this in the hope it will increase their sales in the weeks before the holiest day of the year (and I am not saying they are, but if they are) then I feel it was inappropriate for them to have the couple's children involved in the way they were. That is catering to the wrong kind of pervert. I just like to watch (and then possibly join in with) heavily pregnant women sucking off their husbands and then throwing spermy tissues behind a plant pot - I don't want kids involved. Or at least the kid I want involved is safely protected from the atrocity inside the womb of the blower. Because I am normal and unperverted. The Westfield should be ashamed of themselves (only in the unlikely event that they orchestrated this whole thing).
There's a santa's grotto going up there at the moment (and I don't think it's just a coincidence that they put a shrek in it - it must be for my benefit as shrek has absolutely fuck all to do with Christmas), so I'd suggest any pregnant women who want to suck off their husbands in public put any kids they have in the grotto and then rush off to do the blow job. If they want to take one of the a shreks with them then that would be OK with me, as long as it is an adult a shrek. Maybe they could do two grottos: one for kids who want to see Father Christmas and a shrek and one for the people who want to see a pregnant woman blow a shrek. But if they do this I insist that the Westfield very carefully label which grotto is which.
Again I will be no part of any blow job grotto that includes Donkey. Especially at Christmas, what with Jesus' association with the animal. At both ends of his life - born in a stable (almost certainly watched by a donkey, carried into Jerusalem on a donkey and probably saw a couple as he looked down from the cross).
But listen if potential blow jobs in the Westfield does not send Shepherd's Bush house prices sky-rocketing then I don't know what can. If you want to live in a house that I can guarantee is within half a mile of a place where someone once had a blowjob then please get in touch.
