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Sunday 11th September 2005

I am disappointed in the terrorists. I strongly believe they should have committed an atrocity today. Not that I condone their use of murder, I actually think it is wrong. It's just that if they do their evil work on other days they are in danger of running out of dates to identify the particular abhorrence that they have committed (7/7 and 11/9 have already gone). There are only 366 days to be used up and to be honest 29/2 only happens once every 4 years so is little use to these anniversary seeking idiots. Also once every day is taken and every single date is taken up with newspaper articles/TV shows remembering the awful event and discussing its consequences, I think the acts of terror will lose their impact.
It would be better for the terrorists to do all their atrocities on 11/9 and then the papers can just have a day summing them all up, talking to survivors, discussing the victims and we can get it all over with. It will be better for the terrorists too as a long list of terrors, rather than one a day, will make them look more terrifying, which is surely their raison d'etre or more accurately their raison not d'etre.
Sure in some ways doing all their atrocities on the same date might make the terrorists' actions a bit more predicatable, but given that it would ultimately be better and less annoying for us all if this system were to come into operation, I think that the authorities might be willing to turn a blind eye to stuff for this one day, just so it can all be neatly packaged up. And given that 7/7 is already taken, I suppose if the terrorists insist we could extend the system to incorporate that. And maybe also 9/11 (9th November) as well.
The beauty of this is that if we the public knew those were the dates of the attacks then we could all just stay at home (or go and stay with our relatives if we live in a big skyscraper) and so when the atrocities occurred no-one would be hurt. The terrorists would still get their publicity (possibly more publicity as nothing else but atrocities would be happening these days) and yet no-one would get hurt (apart from the suicide bombers themselves, but that's what they want and they get the 72 virgins at the end of it all, so to be fair it makes no difference to them). Maybe if the terrorists insist on killing infidels then some terminally ill people and people who want to end their lives due to depression or debilitating illness or other Muslims who fancy a crack at the 72 virgins, could gather in pre-determined points and the suicide bombers could kill them.
I am just trying to think of a way of keeping everyone happy and just to leave a few dates on the calendar that do not become euphemisms for horrendous losses of life and property. I am the only person talking sense in this crazy world. But will anyone listen?
I suspect that both the terrorists and the authorities will say my plan is foolish. So you see there are some things they can agree on. There is a path towards reconciliation. Perhaps faced with the ridiculousness of both terror and the idea of having a war on terror, they will all lay down their arms and start hugging. That is what I am aiming for. It might take a couple of weeks for this to happen. A lot of the terrorists have unreliable internet access (maybe they have bought wireless from BT) and so might not read this straight away. But by say 1/10 or "Richard Herring Is Ace Day" as it will be known (though to satisfy pedants that name may have to be changed to "Richard Herring Is Ace [By which we mean he is really good, not that he is Ace from Dr Who, that honour goes to Sophie Aldred] Day") I think order will be restored.

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