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Sunday 1st December 2013
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Sunday 1st December 2013

It's always nice to do a bit of acting, though I rarely get asked (I think the last job I might have had was You Can Choose Your Friends in 2007 and I only got that because I was wanking off the writer. And trying to suck him off. But failing. But he didn't mind. He said in many ways he was glad that I failed.

I am surprised that I don't get asked to do more (most writers love getting hand jobs), but it's always nice when I am and if I like a script and can fit it into my schedule I am not bothered if the project has a massive budget.

So it was cool to be asked along to do a small part in a film called Rock Band Vs Vampires, an ambitious project put together on a tiny budget by the band, "Hats off Gentlemen, It's Adequate" along with about 200 volunteers. I was playing Count Morthag, a vampire who is happy to sit back and enjoy the easy life and wants to settle down with one of the women he has converted to vampirism. Which meant I just had to sit in a chair by a fire and didn't get to take part in any of the scenes involving sex, drug, rock n roll or female lesbian vampires kissing each other. Which I was very pleased about, obviously.

As my character was not married I had to remove my wedding ring for about four hours, which is the longest that it has been off my finger since I got married. So, you know, if there had been lots of lesbian vampires around then they wouldn't have known I was attached. But there weren't. So I didn't have to explain it to them.

It was odd having the gap there though and more than once I had a slight panic where I thought that I had lost the ring, before remembering that it was in my pocket. This is why I can never be a great actor. A great actor would believe that he was an unmarried vampire, all the time.

The other actor in the scene Guy Barnes was charming in real life, but really rather scary on screen. I was, of course, a less scary and rather crap vampire, but that's how it should be.

And it was a fun shoot with an enthusiatic crew, none of whom were clock watching - in fact they kept suggesting new set ups for the simple scene. It's a labour of love for them all and quite a few of us went to a local Tapas bar afterwards. The writer Malcolm only had the idea in July and has managed to put this all together himself on a shoestring. It is another example of what you can achieve these days with a bit of drive and the kindness of others. The camerman was from Kuwait and had been the first to get footage during the Kuwait war. So that probably made me only the second most amazing thing that he had ever filmed.

I am not sure what will happen to the film when it's finished or what it will be like, but will let you know where you can see it/buy it. And good luck to the team behind this. They haven't yet been ground down by the business and it was such a lovely atmosphere to work in.



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