Two minutes into
Podcast 81 the doorbell rang. I was expecting a delivery and it was a bulky item that I did not want to have to go and pick up myself, so I had to leave Collings to his own devices and go and get it. This is a risky strategy. I have no idea what he said while I was gone and will never know as I can think of no way of finding out, but I expect it involved joking about child abuse or rape, which are the things that he finds amusing and which I skillfully steer him away from when I am in the room. The man is a liability and I think borderline mentally ill. Luckily there is no way he can ever find out that this is what I think about him. But I await the moment when what little remains of his mental clarity finally snaps with anticipation. I am hiding my many typewriters just in case.
The delivery was
Beatles Rock Band. Like a prick I had been sucked in by all the hype and purchased late night on Monday over the internet. Even more ridiculously I also decided that I would buy the two extra guitars
the John Lennon one and
the George Harrison one. I knew as I was doing that that it was ridiculously extravagant, but I reasoned that if two friends were over and wanted to play guitar in the "band" then I would need the extras. I was ignoring the fact that the last time I had a friend over to play video games with me was probably in the mid 1980s. I really just wanted all the stuff because I thought that would make me cool. You can see how much money it cost me to make this insane gesture. I am 42 years old.
But I was still excited by the prospect of getting all this stuff and being able to pretend I was in the Beatles and able to play the guitar. Any one of three guitars.
But I couldn't play just yet as we still had an hour of the podcast to do. Andrew Collings who is 44 was also quite excited about the Beatles Rock Band package and clearly regretting the fact that he had a proper job at the Radio Times and wouldn't be able to hang around afterwards to play. And yet I needed him to stay in order to justify the purchase of the unnecessary lumps of plastic. And though he'd want to play the drums I would have to tell him he couldn't. He'd have to play a guitar, like me, so I could start justifying the stupid expense.
So we finished the podcast, which I thought was an OK one with some funny bits and then Andrew, who is a div and has somehow messed up his computer so it can no longer pick up my wi-fi (if you know what he's done wrong then please email him at happy@thatsmewhoeverythinghasgonerightforinthecorner), had to leave and I got to setting up my band equipment. By which I mean assembling loads of mini non-instruments made of plastic and connecting them up to my Wii. I was still stupidly excited about it all. I was going to be in the Beatles and follow them through their entire career from the Cavern to the Rooftop. That's where this game ends, but hopefully they will bring out sequels where you can follow the careers of the individual Beatles after that. Maybe in the John Lennon one you'll be able to fight off Mark Chapman and overpower him and survive and then go on to create another two decades of new music. And in the Paul McCartney one you'll be able to marry a gold digger and lose loads of money and so have to bring out a massively expensive rip-off computer game to recoup some of your money from feckless fortysomethings who really should know better. It is what John Lennon would have wanted, if he could have possibly understood such a concept.
I enjoyed playing the game on my own, though felt vaguely foolish when I became aware enough of what I was doing. I was a 42 year old man, twanging away on a button on a plastic representation of Paul Mccartney's bass, in my bedroom, alone, worrying that my next door neighbours might hear. And by doing so I was lining the pockets of already incredibly rich men (though less rich due to some of the marital choices they had made) who must be sitting back on their chaise longues made out of diamonds and laughing at my stupidity (and wishing that they'd made a sofa with arms and that was upholstered with more comfortable material). For all that money I should surely have been able to play any Beatles song that I wanted, but the choice was very limited really and if I want to play others I have to give Ringo Starr some more money and download them.
Still it's pretty awesome and you should get one. And they should definitely make post Beatles versions of the game and have a giant frog costume that you have to wear to do the Frog Chorus. Idiots like me would still buy it just to have the complete collection. And wear it. And only feel self-conscious for a second before getting back into their fantasy of living a different life.
And if anyone is interested in living the fantasy of my life then I am thinking of bringing out a video game of my life, which will involve you having to sit on a sofa alongside an animated Andrew Collings and swearing and then going downstairs to play Beatles Rock Band on the Wii. But you will be playing me playing the game and be awarded points for actually not being very good at it, which is more realistic. I am sure we can get that into production if there is enough interest. There will also be a bit where I meet up with Paul McCartney and willingly and happily give him all my money. Followed by a bit where you then meet me and give me all your money. Which I then give to Ringo Starr. Or bury in John Lennon's grave.
I happen to know that that is what John Lennon would have wanted. He'd have liked that. Definitely.
Oh also Derren Brown like I tried to predict the lottery numbers. I chose (I think) 12, 38, 42, 44, 45 and 47. I think I got 0 out of 6 which is quite an achievement in itself - almost statistically harder than getting all of them right. But I am pretty sure those numbers will come up at some point (probably in the next fourteen million draws), so do feel free to use them.
