My wife and I had a night out to celebrate (a couple of days late) our first demi-anniversary. Against all odds we've made it to six months of marriage. Admit it, none of you thought we'd last this long. I told her that we'd kept this up for long enough that it would no longer be embarrassing if she wanted to back out of it: people would understand and applaud our staying power. But unbelievably she still wants to be married to me. Result.
We only need to stay married for another 99 six month periods then we'll be celebrating our golden wedding. Easy. I'll be 94 by then and you might think there's a chance I might not be around. But you underestimate how much I like gold. The only point in being married is the fact that after 50 years people have to give you golden trinkets and I am going to fucking hang on until then so I can cash in on this thing.
We were going to the cinema to see Looper (oh yeah, I am a pretty romantic guy) but we stopped off at the posho champagne bar in the Westfield to toast our enduring love. It's plonked in the middle of the walkway under the stairs outside all the expensive jewellery and watch shops. Whenever I've walked past and seen people drinking there I've thought that they were elitist scum. So it was fun to sit there and know that it was my turn to anger all the proles. I would be back to being one of them soon enough. In actuality the fact that they sold champagne by the glass meant that we could make an extravagant gesture reasonably cheaply. Although it you were feeling flush the menu did have on bottle of champagne that cost £700. But I'd already paid an extra £4.10 for VIP seats at the cinema so I'd treated my wife enough.
A businessman in his 50s was the only other customer. He was drinking champagne on his own and looking at his iPad. I whispered to my wife - "Do you think he's here on the pull?" The bar is so out in the open and you can imagine that a sad and desperate man (something I find it easy to imagine having been one for many years of my life) might think that if he could catch the eye of a passing lady (or man) that they might join him for a drink. I told my wife that if she ever unfortunately died that I was going to be straight down here, sitting drinking champagne and shouting at passing women, "Do you want some champagne? Come on, sit here." I told her that I knew what women liked. There was a massive dummy bottle of champagne beside us on the bar and I said a good chat up line would be to shout at strangers, "Hey, do you want to help me drink this?" I am nothing if not classy. Women love a man drinking on his own at a bar. Who then shouts at them. That is what they're all looking for.
I was glad that I was no longer single, though I think my wife might have been wishing by now that I was.
A middle-aged woman turned up and sat next to the businessman. "Look, it's worked," I said triumphantly, "He's pulled!" My wife seemed to think that he'd been waiting for the lady all along and that it was probably his partner. But I disagreed. He'd been a bit more subtle with the champagne bar pick up than I would have been, but evenso he had put out his sparkling wine bait and someone had bitten. Nice work old businessman guy. Nice work indeed.
For those of you interested in the genesis of the amazing Tina Turner tribute act in Psychoville, check out
this YouTube clip(4.50 in). Unbelievable. I particularly like the way (as in the sketch) that the woman only mouths the verses, but actually sings the chorus. Amazing stuff. Thanks to @theboylatch for that.
