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Recently I’ve been getting a lot of junk mail for someone called Diana Quezada. I don’t know why. It seems too specific a phish to send out emails with that name on it in the hope you hit a fairly unlikely jackpot. Perhaps Diana signed up for some wireless network but didn’t want to give out her one email address, so put in a made up one that happened to me mine (anyone who thought they were clever to get the address r@me.com will have been inundated with junk due to me always using that as my default easy sign up). Maybe Diana Quezada has a vendetta against me and did it on purpose to get at me. Perhaps this is the latest campaign by Virgilio Anderson to destroy me. The emails nearly all get swallowed into my junk folder so it’s not a big deal, but one arrived today that stayed in my usually very efficient inbox and I was worried that if Diana Quezada is a real person who happens to have an email address very close to mine (maybe she likes fish or has 1967 of them) which she just inputted wrong one time, then she was going to miss out on the opportunity of a life time. Just on the off chance that she is a fan of mine, I have included the email here, as it’s time sensitive.
"Diana, it's gone today. Since I didn't hear from you yesterday, I had to return your powerful Phoenix Pendant. It broke my heart to do it, because I spent all that time preparing it for you...
I knew for certain this pendant was the key to changing your life. It's so rare and highly sought-after for a reason. People fight over these! And to get such an amazing windfall, yet turn it away…
Even though you’re 43, you’re life’s not over yet.
In fact, we have many new beginnings in our lives — up to dozens — and this was to be your most magnificent new beginning ever!
It was so wonderful imagining your new life with the influence of the Phoenix Pendant, Diana. A new home, a new car, meeting your soul mate, a vibrant social life; my vision of how things changed for you brought tears to my eyes.
But Diana there’s still a chance to make my vision come true.
Diana, here's the truth. I know I told you I sent your pendant back (which is really what I should have done), I instead kept it one extra day!
I really, really want to make sure you get this. It's just too important to give up on you so easily.
My friend called earlier today furious that I didn't return it to him. I understand his concern, this object is too powerful to be out of the hands of its rightful owner — that's you, Diana.
Your signature spiritual "mark" has been cast on your pendant to ensure only you, and you alone, can unleash its full powers.
It's all yours, Diana. You must take it from me today, otherwise my friend is going to pay me a personal visit and take it himself!
Your Trusted Adviser and Friend,
Bethâ€
I hate to think of Diana missing out on this bracelet, all because this psychic has temporarily lost control of her powers and not known where to send the email. So I wrote back to Bethea in the hope that she would reserve this pendant for Diana
Dear Bethea
I don’t know why your email came through to me. My name is Richard and I have never subscribed to your website
So I am really concerned that Diana will not get this important message in time and won’t get the opportunity to turn her life around. I understand you might be psychic and so it’s strange that you would get the wrong email address, but I guess lines can get crossed. But I am hoping you can use your powers to find Diana’s actual email address and resend this message so she gets it in time. I will do my best to publicise it via Twitter and my blog, but to be honest, I have no magical powers and there’s lots of people called Diana (though admittedly not quite as many who are 43 and in the kind of life-mess that this one is in), but it will still be like finding a needle in a haystack.
Let me know if there is anything else I can do, but in the mean time, please don’t return the pendant to the mysterious friend who is going to pay you a personal visit to get it. Say you lost it down the back of a sofa or something. In your heart you know this belongs to Diana, so don’t you dare go against the powerful magic of the pendant and give it to an undeserving (and if I might add, quite rude sounding) “friendâ€.
To be honest, if you have friends that treat you like this then I worry that you are lacking in the confidence that you should have. I have a special ring that I would be happy to send you. If you kiss it once a day it gives you the power to stand up to bullies and charlatans. Do get in touch if you want me to send it to you.
But in the meantime, the clock is ticking. Let’s sort out Diana’s pendant
Richard
If I am honest I think I was hoping that Bethea would admire my honesty and helpfulness and send me the magic pendant. Or at least exchange it for my magic ring (which is actually my anus in case you hadn’t twigged, but I won’t tell her that)
Here’s
Bethea’s website if you want to get a magic amulet from her, though I do have to say if you google her name there are lots of complaints from people for some reason. Probably just people who missed the 24 hour window of opportunity who are narked off because their lives continue to be shit.
Haven’t heard back from Beth yet. But the way I look at it, the original email was probably the reply. She sent it to me for a reason. She’s not stupid.
