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Catie and Phoebe had been away overnight, but I wasn’t really able to take advantage of the calm. I seem to wake up at or before 7am every day now and though I feel full of energy for a couple of hours, by the afternoon I crash a bit and today, annoyingly, got nothing done at all.
But I missed my girls and it was great to have them back. Phoebe has a new toy, the Jungle Jumperoo, which is a solid recommend. It’s an unwieldy and massive toy, which has a seat in the middle which allows your baby to stand and bounce around, but also has loads of little toys and games attached so that they can occupy themselves when they’re not bouncing. Phoebe had been getting grumpy and tired, but once inside the Jumperoo she had more fun than any human being has had doing anything ever. I envied her and wished they would make an adult sized one (though scaled up it would take up a big room in a house (it would be worth it). Once again I was left thinking that there’s a gap in the market for adults who want to be babies for a few hours in a non-perverted sexual way (which seems to be the only businesses catering for this). I want to be able to play in massive bright toys, be rocked to sleep in a big pram every three of four hours and have someone clean up my nappy, but only for convenience, not to get off on it - again let me reiterate, when wee and poo become involved that it is a signal for sex to end and for both or all parties to leave in shame - excrement is not sexy, just as dressing up as a newly born sexcrement is not sexy. My grown up baby thing is about making life easy and simple and returning to the simple pleasure of having fun and not having to be bothered by any of the troubles or responsibilities of life. I am taking it to Dragon’s Den and then I am going to encourage Peter Jones and Deborah Meadon to get dressed up in a big nappy and lie back in a massive pram and let my trained adult-nannies look after them (or would it be better if the nannies were babies, in order to create a living Gary Larson cartoon? It wouldn’t be practical, but it would be surreal) and then when they were bored of lying around in their own shit, they could go into the Jumperoo room and bounce like motherfuckers. They’d give me £50,000 for 1% of the business just so they could have another go.
I bathed Phoebe and put her to bed, though during all this I had the first minor accident with my child. I have been terrified of dropping her or breaking her (or forgetting she exists and leaving her somewhere), but so far (apart from that one time I forgot about her and left her somewhere) I haven’t done anything to hurt her yet. But in the bath as I tried to lift her up so I could swoosh her around a bit (that’s always fun - must incorporate bath times into my adult baby idea) she slipped out of my hands and banged her jaw against the side of the bath. It hurt enough or maybe just shocked her, to make her cry for the next five minutes and I worried that she might have brain damage (though only on the bit of her brain that she keeps in her jaw), but it was only a gentle knock and she wasn’t injured in anyway, apart from the awful realisation that the world contain pain and that the daddy she assumed would keep her safe always can be accidentally responsible for causing that pain.
I felt pretty low for slightly hurting a baby by accident. How can anyone get any pleasure from deliberately killing a lion?
This week's RHLSTP video with Johnny Vegas is now up in the usual places.
vimeo
iTunes
There has been a problem with the audio but hopefully that will be up on Thursday.
