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Sepp Blatter is kind of my new hero. I mean he’s a massive bellend at the helm of an obviously corrupt organisation and even if he is totally innocent he should clearly step down from his role. But he has simply just refused to do that, sought re-election and got it in the face of seemingly impossible odds. It just shows that if you dig your heels in enough then you can do whatever you want.
Maybe convicted criminals should do the same (and I should make it clear that I am not saying Blatter is a convicted criminal - he is definitely not a convicted criminal) and after sentence has been passed just refuse to go to prison. What could the authorities do about that? Sorry, I am just staying where I am and there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind. You have to bring in another jury made up of my friends and let’s take that vote again.
All I know is the other guy must be a prick when you find yourself rooting for the Jordanian prince as the underdog. I found myself shouting, "Come on Prince Ali al-Hussein of Jordan. Win this for te regular football fans!" But man of the people Prince Ali al-Hussein could not do it, in spite of a calm and impassioned speech which made him sound like the most decent and honest Jordanian Prince ever. Sepp Blatter also promised to get to the bottom of this corruption that has dogged FIFA seemingly ever since he became President and stamp it out. You have to admire his front, because you’re never going to see the back of him.
He seems so unashamed that I was almost convinced that he is the real victim in all this. However bad things look, just refuse to admit any culpability and it seems you’re golden.
He’s still the President of FIFA. It’s one of the most astonishing things I have ever seen. I think he might be God.
Tonight I gigged at the Harlequin Theatre in Redhill for the first time and was pleased to get approaching a couple of hundred people in. But then there wasn’t much to do in Redhill, it was basically a choice between me or Pitch Perfect 2 and I cleverly split their vote by promising to perform selected scenes from the film during my show. Who wouldn’t want to see me hanging from the ceiling and showing my vagina?
Having had a brief look around the town centre before the show I knew it was going to be the kind of place that I could take the piss out of. And when you know that Katie Melua briefly lived in the town in 1998 or that the director of the worst film ever, Sliding Doors, Peter Howitt, once lived near the sports centre, then you know it’s going to be a good night. Alfred Nobel had first tested dynamite in a quarry in Redhill and yet still, despite his best efforts he failed to destroy Redhill.
I am still loving and adding to the show even at this late stage. I have reinstated the “I haven’t seen an arse like that for years†routine and I think it had been a mistake to take it out. It ties up a lot of the themes about assumption and feminism and the regrets of middle age. Childish arrogance versus middle age redundancy is one of the central battles of the piece.
A new newsletter should have winged its way to you with all the details if you’re one of the subscribers, but the new system has got rid of a lot of invalid addresses and at least one person has told me they haven’t received it. So check you junk folders and if there’s nothing there then maybe
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