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Thank God! My severely bent cock is now welcome in the UK once again. I am not sure whether it was ever really true that the EU had banned bent cocks or just a jokey rumour started by Boris Johnson (a man so obsessed with cocks he named himself after one - yeah, me too, I know). But for the last 40 years I haven’t dared get my bent cock out lest I be imprisoned by Brussels Eurocrats. Well now, Brexiteers, I will be proudly dangling my hook-cock out at all times. And if you complain about it then you are against democracy.
All my life I have dreamed of travelling in time. Thanks to the magic of Brexit I am going to be able to! Like Gary Sparrow we are all heading back 50 years and I for one can’t wait for Brexit to happen so I can get off with the first barmaid I see and know that my wife will never find out (apart from in that one episode where something went wrong with the time barrier and they did). It’s even better because as we head into the past, we will be able to view the future by using a telescope and looking over the Channel. Sadly by travelling into the past we have caused an alternate Universe where the Continent is embroiled in a huge world war as Putin pushes West. But you know, it’s still going to be fun.
On the plus side Remainers now can't lose. If Brectums were right then we have land of milk and honey, if not, years of "I fucking told you so, you fucking stupid, bent banana obsessed, blue Passport coveting pricks!â€
What a horribly sad day. I still remain (remain, get it?) hopeful that we won’t totally fuck everything up and that there’s time to change our mind over this self-destructive, reactionary nonsense. May says there is no turning back, but she is definitely wrong about that. As we have already turned back. That’s what we’re doing now. And we live in a democracy and we can make some decisions at the next election (if only we could be given some realistic choices) When a government is elected with around a third of the votes, 48% of people being unhappy that they have had their will ignored, plus the many people who are going to realise that Brexit will not give them what they expect… well it could actually amount to the kick up the arse that our country needs to move onwards. But I think the bond with Europe is broken for now and maybe forever and I am very unhappy about the time travel really. Who wants to go to the past when the future was an option?
But the world is in turmoil and transition and this is just another part of it. Donald Trump’s environmental plans are essentially an attack on the planet earth and the future.
I hope the lurch away from liberal values will serve as the lighting of the touch paper for young people to engage with politics again and start to protest and more importantly vote, so that stupid old farts looking backwards to an idyllic and non-existent past will be shouted down. They are taking away your future and they won’t be around to see the results. Do not let this happen.
I hope that these are just the death spasms of the old world order, just as I hope that their actual death spasms are not far away. But as things stand it’s at best an embarrassment for our country and at worst a total fucking disaster. Like the pollution, it’s going to be someone else’s job to clear this shit up.
The Final RHLSTP RHMOL extra with Aleks Krotoski is now up on
the British Comedy Guide and iTunes as an audio and on
YouTube and Vimeo and iTunes as a video.
Use code: HAZRH20 for 20% off
And if you want to see the image for my new Edinburgh show and find out how things are going with AIOTM, Relativity and Every Happens (for no reason), then check out
this month's newsletter.
