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Saturday 28th December 2013


I am always on the look out for a money-making opportunity that will provide me with enough cash to get out of this comedy game forever. As it stands I am totally committed to writing and performing my dumb-ass shit until I die and it's unlikely to ever earn me enough spondoolies so I can just retire. My cock jokes are keeping my head above water, but only if I can keep coming up with new (or ever so slightly different) ones. And I am now too old and used to this way of life to be able to get a proper job. Imagine taking my CV into work. "I see that in 2009 you sported a Hitler Moustache for an entire year..."

"Yeah, but I was doing it to highlight liberal hypocrisy and the dangers of political apathy. I would never grow it again."

"I see... and in 2004, I notice, you attempted to kill the Loch Ness Monster."

"That was my job for a short time, yes, but it didn' t really work out for me. You can really only monetise that if you succeed in killing the monster, but as there's only one of them, if you manage that you immediately lose your means of making a living. Plus you will be sent to prison as it's against the law in Scotland to kill the Loch Ness monster. Still it was an interesting weekend."

"Yes, no doubt, but I am not sure you will really fit in at this investment bank... unless you're prepared to grow the moustache back." That is satire right there.

If my new business "A Dog IS Just For Christmas" doesn't come off (or if it does and my in-laws sue me for everything I have for basically stealing their idea - though I would argue that using kennel dogs to hire out was the Facebook style bit of genius that made the business fly) then I might have a contender for a new fast food market, as yet untapped anywhere in the world, as far as I can see from google.

Regular readers will know I am a fan of asparagus, a food that (providing you have the right smell receptors in your nasal passages) delights as much on the way out as it does on the way in. My recommended cooking technique to get the most from this odd-penis-like vegetable (if you have a penis that is green and resembles asparagus then probably see a doctor - I am just searching for a new cock joke here) is to griddle it. Yes, that's right, you heard me. Don't boil away all the goodness in a pan of water, stick it on a griddle (you may have to buy a griddle first - I am middle class and so have griddles of every size as my birthright).  It keeps it crisp and hard, just like the erect penis of a man blighted with a green asparagus cock (I bet a shrek would have exactly that). To make it even more delicious try sprinkling som dark soy sauce over the asparagus about halfway through the cooking time. It sticks to the tips turning them into a wonderful salty treat (just like a shrek cock).

None of this, by the way, is my idea for a fast food empire. This is my free gift to the world. As the phrase goes, "Once you've had soy sauce covered griddled asparagus tips, you won't go back (to boiled or roasted asparagus tips) because these are nicer." I suspect other people have thought of doing this before me anyway - my wife for one, who I got the idea from after she did it. As with so many of my ideas.

The revolutionary new fast food is a by-product of asparagus griddling. Many great foods have come to us via this method. The Flake for example was created when an employee noticed the way the excess chocolate from the moulds, folded over itself. With griddled soy asparagus, some of the soy sauce goes on the erect a shrek tips (or eshreked tips as I now call them), but some falls into the ridges of the griddle. A lot of this gets burned and coats the pan in an horrific soy-carbon layer that is really hard to wash off (did I mention that you really need to buy a new griddle every time you make this recipe), but some of it forms into little bubbles of semi-solid cooked soy, which is you harvest them at the exact right time are delicious little gobbits of chewy, salty, yet strangely sweet treats. I think they might be the nicest thing I have ever tasted. But I guess the Richard Herring, semi-burned soy-sauce gobbits (as I plan to call them, though haven't yet trademarked that name so please don't steal it) are a bit like Marmite, in that you will either love them, hate them or be indifferent to them or have feelings about them that rest somewhere on the spectrum between those three states. They are an acquired taste for certain. I am not sure if it would work if you just griddled soy sauce on its own. Perhaps the asparagus is an important part of the chemical process and thus I can't guarantee that the RHSBSSGs (as the cool kids call them) won't make your wee smell of asparagus (and nor can I guarantee that they will), but they will hopefully be in the shops soon. As a further warning the gobbits might also work as a super adhesive and if they get stuck to your teeth they can get stuck and cause a bit of pain, but I would say that it was worth it. And as my advertising slogan goes, "One you pop a RHSBSSG, you can't stop popping RHSBSSGs" because they are very more-ish. Which is probably a problem as I am guessing eating huge quantities of soy sauce isn't all that good for you. But do any of the other fast food manufacturers care about the health of their customers? I don't think so. You're a grown up and you can make your own decision as to what you do with your teeth and your intestines.

I will also have to think of a delivery system because you need to eat the gobbits straight from the pan before they solidfy totally and become cold (you can still eat them, but you will miss the toffee-like play of burned soy sauce against your soon to be pulled out teeth). I imagine it's going to be pretty expensive to buy as there's a lot of wasted soy sauce and asparagus doesn't come cheap and is essentially a waste-product in this business. But people will always pay for quality. Look at that cat-intestine coffee.

It's good to have this in my pocket (not literally) in case the Dragons don't like the Christmas dog business. I will soon be out of this comedy hole that I've dug myself into and can leave the cock-jokes and the blogging behind and be rolling around on my bed in my asparagus soy-sauce griddling millions.

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My new stand up show, Oh Frig I'm 50 is at on tour from February til June 2018. There's also a new series of RHLSTP with recordings every Monday from February 5th to April 2nd All details of shows here.
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