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Still reeling and unable to stop myself checking social media every thirty seconds for the latest development. I want to escape it, but unfortunately that isn’t going to be possible. Because I live in the United Kingdom and that’s where it’s happening. If only I hadn’t spent years calling them Scotch and doing that stupid accent I could have lived in Scotland instead, but they would chase me out like I was a person with a slight European accent living in England.
Will the sadness and bewilderment that I have felt for the last two weeks ever lift? I feel we’ve lost something for good whatever happens. And there is much worse to come. Last night a comedian of Asian origins whilst talking about racism was told by a London audience member to go home. I know this has never happened to him before because he said as much in a documentary we were both involved in last year. The Polish Centre in Hammersmith which I walked by yesterday on the way home from the park has been daubed with graffiti. It’s clear from anecdotal evidence coming in that at least a few of the people who voted Leave thought their vote meant that immigrants (or anyone with a different heritage) would leave. Regardless of whether they were actually from an EU country. That’s chilling and scary and we have to stand up to it if we see it happening.
I tried to forget and we went for brunch and then walked to the park and I spun my daughter round on a roundabout before she ran off in search of adventure, again with no concern as to whether I was behind her (but I was). If only this was a political solution. As long as we run and they can’t catch us then we don’t have to do what they say.
I further attempted escape by watching football and then tweeting the worst possible jokes as I did so. It never ceases to surprise me how much people take Twitter at face value. When a joke is subtle it is taken as fact, when it is unsubtle it is taken as being a genuine attempt at humour. I mean I was trying to be funny by not being funny, so they were right, but not everyone was capable of understanding that. But oh what fun it is for the people who do understand that to see me struggling to make people understand what’s going on. It works on all levels.
So to cheer you up here are my Ireland versus France jokes
What has today's game got in common with one of those blowy devices they have in toilets? They're both airers for hands (Eire/France) Steal that one Chegwin you cunt.
Someone tweeted "Less of the E-word, thanks"
So I corrected the punchline "They're both Republic of Ireland for hands"
"Ireland" works fine!†I was told
But I wasn’t sure that was right. I tried it anyway.
"What has today's game got in common with one of those blowy devices they have in toilets? They're both Ireland for hands"
The man came back " I think you'd have difficulty finding an Irish supporter referring to their team as "Republic of Ireland" or “Éire""
I replied "but not as much difficulty as you'd have finding someone called a hand dryer an Ireland for hands,surely?"
Someone else who had come in to the conversation halfway through asked “ errrrrr do you mean the hand symbol looks kinda like Ireland if you think about it hard enough?"
So I told them I did mean that and they told me it wasn’t one of my best jokes.
So I tried another
"What does the team in green have in common with the king of the country in blue. They are both ROI."
Pretty clever, huh? If rubbish.
Then I went Victorian on their asses, "What is the difference between the thing they are all kicking and a bit on the bottom of the thing at the end of your leg? One is a football and the other is the ball of your foot."
Riddle-Me-Ree.
How about this one - "What is the similarity between an ant hole and the country whose capital is Paris? They're both France (for ants)"
Mark Read said "if it needs explaining its not funny"
He was wrong. It was only the explanation that made it funny.
Warming to my theme "What is the similarity between a quartet of eusocial insects of the family Formicidae and the side currently losing? They are both four ants"
Adding, “If the Ireland fans want to use that as a chant in the 2nd half they are more than welcome."
Then I improved on the chant "What is the similarity between the country that hosts Europe's third-largest number of cultural UNESCO World Heritage Sites and a quartet of eusocial insects of the family Formicidae? They are both four ants/France. #footballchant"
It went on for some time, but I also added, "what is the similarity between one of the Irish players and a character in MASH? They are both called Houlihan."
Because sometimes I just like to put some facts up, to give people a break from laughing.
