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Still working my way through my old receipts and enjoying being reminded of old bits of work I did. There were four instances of me getting paid £100 (£85 after commission) for appearances on the Lorraine show. There was a golden period of about a month where I looked like I might become a semi-regular fixture on morning TV. I don't remember all of it, but I'd first been on the Sky TV version of her show, where I had made Lorraine and the camera crew laugh when discussing witnessing an ex girlfriend being run over and adapted an Al Murray line to break the seriousness by breaking the seriousness by claiming it was a rare privilege. I did some other jokes that hit and so was asked back on, when I would guest alongside glamour model Jordan. We were meant to be talking about things that annoyed us about relationships and whilst mine were comic, hers were things like guys having sex with her and then not calling. She seemed quite sad and fragile and I said she should stop dating footballers. I wasn't volunteering myself though as I could see that this lady was a bit of a handful (not like that).
I then got promoted on to the ITV version of the show. I wasn't particularly delighted about this as it was an early start and whilst £100 is pretty good wages for what would amount to 3 hours work including travel, it was not good wages for TV and I worked nights (maybe not quite as much at this time, but I at least played at night) and it was tricky to be funny first thing in the morning. But Lorraine liked me and I made the crew laugh which is rare. But then I did a feature about kitsch Christmas gifts (selected by the producers) and I pushed things a bit too far. I said a snowglobe with Jesus on Joseph's back was a good present for anyone who was bringing up a kid that wasn't their own and I feigned excitement about trying out some shared gloves where Lorraine and me got to hold hands. The tone was just not morning TV and I probably felt I was too cool for this job and so had to take the piss and do it all in invisible speech marks. Lorraine seemed annoyed by me this last time and the crew didn't laugh and I wasn't asked back. Which was probably for the best.
Perhaps I should have been more professional and perhaps I should have thrown myself more into doing jobs that I didn't necessarily love (though I do love Lorraine) because they might have led to more. Mel and Sue are good examples of people who retained their brand whilst still playing the game. I almost wilfully blew job opportunities and talked people out of giving me work more often that not.
I am a fucking idiot, but if you haven't picked that up yet then you haven't been paying attention.
Still my lack of TV success means I am free to do snooker podcasts, so that's good.
