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Christmas shopping in Welwyn Garden City because this is who I am now. We sat down for a coffee in Waterstones and as I looked out of the window I saw a council work can being driven along the pathways outside. For some reason it had two very angry looking eyes affixed to the bonnet. What the fuck was going on? A very weak Transformer? The first prototype of the real-life Kitt from Knight Rider? An insane council employee who had decided he hated the world and was going to take them all down and wanted to doubly freak them out as he ran everyone over?
I don’t know. Someone on Twitter suggested that it might be an attempt to keep crime down, because having any eyes staring at you in that way apparently makes you psychologically less likely to commit a felony. That seemed just as insane as any of my ideas.
One day, of course, vehicles will be alive and we’ll live in a real life version of Thomas the Tank Engine, but I hope all the modes of transport aren’t as unfriendly as this cunty little can that I encountered. Chill out mate. It’s Christmas.
This afternoon I went to see my daughter give her first performance in front of an audience, as part of her nursery's Christmas concert (postponed from last week due to the snow). She didn't really engage with the event, paying homage to the work of Stewart Lee perhaps (which is about her level, even though she is a very clever 2 year old) by wandering off into the audience and then going back on stage and facing the wrong way and then leaning over her bench and presenting her bottom to the crowd). I thoroughly enjoyed it, though at home she has been doing some quite sweet versions of the songs and movements, so it was a shame she bottled it in front of the crowd. I filmed it all though, just in case she becomes a top performer. I can then make some money off this little leech.
My final professional engagement of 2017 (actually I am not sure I got paid for it, so maybe it has to count as amateur) and only “gig†in December (in fact think next one is February 1st) was at Andy Parsons’ Slacktivist Podcast at the Soho Theatre.
I haven’t had much social time outside of my family this year (and I am not complaining as my family are largely OK, apart from Ernie who is a prick) and it was exciting and terrifying to be back in the Big Sky Potato, as London is known by the locals. Weirdly walking through Soho I bumped into Mark Thomas, Tim Key and Robert Popper, within the space of about a quarter of a mile. Was I about to be a victim of “This Is Your Life†and had inadvertently bumped into a few of the many people who wanted to pay tribute to me? No.
Robert and I assume Tim, were on their way to a party to celebrate the life and work of Alan Partridge. Which I invented. And I hadn’t been invited. So it was sort of the opposite of “This is Your Life.â€
But very nice for London to throw me together with three nice men to bump up this one night of socialising into a proper occasion. I hugged the men (apart from Tim Key who was sitting drinking alone outside a cafe, smoking and who I imagine is always there hoping to catch the eye of the TV executives who prey for young flesh in these parts - good luck to him. He was very funny in his episode of Plebs, as per usual).
It was also great to see my old housemate (from 1991) Andy Parsons, who I only bump into occasionally these days and the podcast was a lot of fun, though I was aware that having not spoken in public for a few weeks I was slightly struggling to make sense and not gabble. It was interesting to meet journalist Michael Deacon and MP Lucy Powell, both very smart people (and both funnier than me tonight at least). The MPs I have met have been very impressive (apart from Michael Portillo, but I don’t think he counts any more) and though I ribbed Lucy a little bit in the podcast for her claim that she wasn’t complacent about winning her seat (the 15th safest Labour ward), she was clearly committed and hard-working and (just like the other MPs I’ve met apart from Michael Portillo) very much against the stereotype of uncaring out-of-touch prick.
I was very surprised to hear how little protection MPs get, especially given last year’s events and so the bravery of these people, going door to door without any police support, not knowing who they will meet (and she told me of a very interesting example of someone who realised she’d met on the doorstep, that in hindsight could have ended very differently) is admirable. Most of all, my take home from the podcast though was just how much time and effort is being wasted implementing Brexit, meaning that other more important concerns are overlooked. The whole thing makes me very sad. Lucy seemed positive about the ultimate outcome though. We’ll see.
