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Wednesday 14th November 2012

I picked up my new phone today, which was probably not the best timing given I have a script to finish. After having been with O2 (or the networks that came before it and passed me on to them) since first having a mobile I'd made the decision to move over to 3. I would probably have stayed with O2 if they'd made even a small concession towards keeping me, but even after all this time they offered me NOTHING to stay. I had been so loyal to them and this is how they repaid me.
I had decided to go with 3 because of their all you can eat internet offer (though it turns out you can't eat any of it) which suited me better, though some people had warned me that 3's coverage was not brilliant (whilst others had said it was fine - if you ask for opinions on Twitter you pretty much end up getting them all). There might be something in it because I got no phone reception in my basement. But let's give it some time before we decide if my previous phone company will be laughing at me for my stupidity for leaving them for another.
I have an iPhone 5 which means I have Siri for the first time. I decided to see if Siri could tell me when "Talking Cock" was on in London, but every time I mentioned it, it would say "Now, Richard." or tell me to mind my language. Siri didn't seem to understand that I wasn't swearing and it was presumptuous of it to think that I was using Cock to mean penis when it has so many other meanings. It is Siri who is the disgusting one. But I like the fact that someone has sat in an office somewhere programming this device to spot swear words and come up with a reply when they're mentioned. That's someone's job. Whoever you are I salute you. I've just told Siri, "You are a cunt" and he replied, "I don't like these arbitraty categories." I would imagine that at least 60% of iPhone users only use Siri on day 1 to swear at him and see what he responds. So they were wise to programme in so many possible replies.
The only thing I have found useful with Siri so far is the fact that you can play any music on your phone without searching by saying (for example) "Play Eton Rifles". I am like Jean-Luc Picard.
Just like my handsfree phone system in my car Siri mispronounces my surname as "Harring". I don't understand why. There's clearly an e in it. When I ring my wife I often shout angrily at the device in my car trying to instruct it to pronounce it properly. Alas I am not the first comedian to have trouble with this. Check out this very funny video of Marek Larwood having similar issues. I haven't seen anyone do it, but suspect that several stand ups will already have incorporated conversations with Siri into their act. I might give it a crack in the podcast if things run dry. I've just asked Siri the ham hand/sun cream question. He is searching the web. I can't believe that that wasn't one of the questions that got programmed in. Next time Apple developers. Could I do a whole podcast with Siri as my guest? It would be irritating and quickly dull, I suspect, so it sounds ideal.
I managed to make a small amount of progress on the script despite this distraction.

Fist of Fun series 2 DVDs are on the way to anyone who has ordered them, BUT there has been a printing error so that what purports to be disc 4 is actually another disc 3. But don't worry. Chris Evans (not that one) is on the case and is sorting out replacement disc 4s that will be sent out to everyone who already has the DVD (you don't have to do anything) - which also means you'll have a highly collectible rarity for the future. This also means that anyone who has ordered the DVD in the last day or so will have to wait a short while until theirs is delivered, so do bear with us on this one. It's another massive ball-ache (and additional expense) for the wonderful gofasterstripe and Chris has already spent a huge amount of man hours on this thing. Thanks for being understanding and supportive.

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My new stand up show, Lord of the Dance Settee will be touring from October 2014 to May 2015 All details here.
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