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These long drive one night stand gigs do not square well with middle age and having a baby. We were up early as my wife, the acclaimed children’s author Catherine Wilkins, was doing a talk about her books at the excellent new Shepherd’s Bush library. Also Phoebe woke up at 6 anyway and I took the bullet because that was only fair given Catie was performing. But four hours sleep and a lot of coffee and a sneaky Twirl were not enough to get me through the day. I fell asleep watching Doctor Who this evening.
It was fun being the spectator and the spouse who fails to get introduced to anyone because you are not important and I enjoyed looking after Phoebe, who wasn’t yet that interested or amazed that her mum was talking to a roomful of kids and parents. She heckled a bit, without realising and I took a walk around the library and was surprised to see that my own book (How Not To Grow Up - not sure they’re bold enough to have Talking Cock on display) was in the comedy section (though it has only been taken out three times and not since 2012). So there’s at least five books by our small family in this library which is quite impressive. We’ve actually written eight, but two of mine are self-published so I am going to have to pull my finger out, because marriage is a competition and I am clearly losing.
Catie did a great job on the talk and kept the audience rapt, but as good as she is my favourite bit of a children’s book event is the question and answer section. With adults these can be a staid and awkward affair where people try to show off about their own knowledge or ask bum-licky questions (like the man who started his question to Al Pacino with “You are undoubtedly the finest screen actor of your generation…†when I lacked the balls to ask, “Who would win in a fight Scarface or Shylock?â€) or ask passive-aggressive entreaties about how your book got published when theirs didn’t, but kids just ask anything that comes into their head about anything. Like “What’s your best worst person?†(by which I think it was finally worked out the questioner wanted to know who Catie thought the worst person in the world was) and “What’s your favourite fruit?†and then, a few minutes later from the same child, “What’s your favourite vegetable?†There’s no worry about asking questions about the books or being a na author or writing, just any question that pops into their head was immediately spewed out. And they would have carried on asking their questions forever if the event did not have an end point.
It’s a testament to my wife’s professionalism that she answered all these questions openly and honestly and didn’t as I would have done, told all the children to fuck off and stop being so stupid. And then I got thrown out of the children’s library…. ah.
It’s a great library, even if they don’t take books off people (though I secretly left a couple of heavy ones by the small electrical items recycling bins last week when the plastic bag they were in split and I hope they ended up taking them in), though they have one of the stinkiest urinals I have ever witnessed with my nose. I am no expert on the smell of urine (and anyone who says I am is a liar) but I suspect this pungent odour may be as a result of having a public access and free toilet which is possibly frequented by some of the Bush’s heavy drinkers, who so like drinking that they prefer to spend their money on alcohol rather than having anywhere to live. I am not judging. I was actually quite impressed by the uric acid potency. I can’t see that the hard-working staff of Shepherd’s Bush Library should have to spend their time dealing with it. It is better that they organise excellent events for local people and children and just hope they don’t need to use the loo.
Too tired even to research for RHLSTP, the rest of the day passed in a blur, reminding me that a man of my age must choose his touring shows wisely, because hard driving followed by an early morning means I am pretty much good for nothing for 24 hours.
