Oh yeah, that’s why I stopped drinking. Those early morning, dry-mouthed, waking up in a panic about nothing in particular repercussions. Luckily with nothing to do all day it didn’t matter. I just sat around for a bit and then went back to bed. I only lost my mind for a few moments. My biggest fear is losing it forever (and yes, much of the work I do seems to be facilitating the broken bungee-jump to insanity). It’s just not worth it any more. I drank a bit this evening, but I’ve already had enough.
We sat by the pool all day, reading, me again mesmerised by the life and common decency of Bill Shankley, both admiring his dedication and fearing his workaholism, but inspired nonetheless. Very nearly at the end of this mammoth book now, but it’s worth a read if you can stomach endless repetition (and given you presumably like me then presumably you do). I am not really bothered if the rest of the holiday is spent in this one spot, though I did manage a brief swim and a visit to the gym. As I cycled on the exercise bike I saw another tiny dinosaur descendant standing on the window-sill with a twig in its mouth, presumably hoping to build a nest. It kept flying up into the glass trying to get into the gym. Even though every time it did this it was frustrated by some invisible solid, it seemed determined to keep trying, looking mildly dazed, shaking its head and then trying again. “You stupid idiot,” I said to the bird, “I know dinosaurs were not renowned for their brains, but evenso you’re really letting your ancestors down, mate. There’s glass there. And anyway this is clearly indoors. Why are you trying to get in here with your twig?”
But the bird didn’t care, it kept trying. As if subtly trying to make some satirical comment about my quest for fitness or maybe my career. But I didn’t pick up on it, as I could only appreciate the pointless endeavour on its basic level of stupidity. Finally the bird gave up and flew away. But two minutes later it returned and did the same thing. I just ignored it and kept pedalling round and round, before heading off to eat ice cream, which would mean I would have to return tomorrow.
I am hoping the gym scales are very wrong, because they put me at 190lbs which would mean I have put on the best part of a stone in the last three days. I don’t think that’s possible. My clothes all still seem loose. But I will just keep banging my head against the window until I die.