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As you know I don't like to talk about my charity work or my testicular cancer. Some things require discretion, but yesterday I did a gig for charity and my set was about testicular cancer and sadly for me, two negatives make a positive. So I was forced to write about it.
And when I bought that (possibly) homeless man a sandwich and then wrote about it, I wasn't doing it for likes of subscriptions and knew it only meant anything if I mentioned it to no one. But I didn't have anything else to write about that day, so once again my hand was forced.
What I am saying is that I am a great guy. Or at least that's how it looks from my perspective.
When you talk to people who've worked with me or been out with me you might get a different story. But that's just ignorance on their part.
When you're nearly 59 you do spend a lot of time at 3am in the morning considering your life and whether you were as great a person as you wanted people to believe you were. I'm not talking about myself here. I did a 20 minute set for free yesterday and used money from my business to buy one meal for one of London's thousands of homeless people (or just one of the millions of people in London who would prefer not to pay for their sandwiches). I mean the other 59 year olds kept awake at 3am by the times they've done something stupid or let someone down or sometimes just did nothing. Not me again, but I have heard of some 59 year old men who sometimes get lost in their own heads thinking about a girl who sat opposite them in A level English who seemed to like them, but the now 59 year old men never built up the courage to ask her out or say anything to her and maybe it's too late to do it now.
What I am saying to young people is don't do anything in case you're ashamed of it later and also make sure you don't not do things in case you regret that as well.
I am not saying it's an easy tightrope to walk, but please consider how you will feel about things in 40 years time.
In the early morning hours I thought about my time at school. In my version of my life story I was a pretty well-behaved kid at school, a bit of a swot, liked to do jokes and pushed the boundaries a bit, but was basically a goodie goodie.
Is it possible though that I was a noisy, entitled arsehole who was good enough at all the academic subjects to be able to disrupt some classes and not really care about how that affected my classmates? Did the fact that I was the headmaster's son mean I actually did get away with stuff that others might not have done?
Would it matter now either way? Why am I awake in the night even considering this?
I suddenly remembered one of my games teachers seeing me sitting on a bench in the changing rooms and asking me to put my knees together then laughing, "The headmaster's son is knock-kneed." Admittedly that's pretty shitty behaviour from the games teacher and possibly is more aimed at my dad, his boss, than me (making himself feel better about not being the alpha male, outside of the time he's teaching 13 year olds to play rugby) by belittling a child. Or did I deserve it? Are any of us capable at really looking at our lives from other people's point of view? Do any of us have accurate memories of our own lives in any case? Or have our brains papered over the cracks?
Mostly though, why does my brain flip through all its true and false memories like it's a huge pack of cards and then stop on a random one and obsess about it at 3am? And why is it never the good things you've done, but always the shitty things you've done or the weird things that have happened to you or the times you've been humiliated.
I thought Ally went too far in today's Newsround, not just about my mum, but also about condom etiquette and I am genuinely annoyed with him. Hopefully we can repair the damage and carry on. I am just not sure. I am not joking. I am furious with him. Doesn't he realise that his casual outdated comments also reflect badly on me? It's a delicate thing when you work in a double act, but you owe it to your partner to respect their boundaries. Mind you he also tried to wank me off once. This isn't as bad as that.
