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Friday 30th June 2006

A lot of comedians will tell you how different cats and dogs are. "Cats and dogs - they are different" they will tell you. But I am not like other comedians and I will tell you the truth: Cats and dogs are the same.... when cooked in a pie. On average you might get a slightly bigger pie with a dog, but honestly it won't taste much different.
For some reason talking about eating dogs and cats seems to upset some people, which I would understand if these people were vegetarians, but most of these people who consider eating our feline and canine friends as bad might well be tucking into a beefburger or a bacon sandwich as they're saying it. If anything a pig is more intelligent than a dog, yet we have no compunction in slaughtering it and putting it in a sausage, whereas a dog sausage would have people demonstrating in the streets of nearly every city of the world (God bless you Korea for you unhypocritical attitude to animals). Ironically a sausage dog would not really offend anyone and make most people laugh.
Is it just because cats and dogs are furry and thus cuter and so it seems meaner to eat them? Well lambs are pretty damb cute and it's socially acceptable to eat them. Rabbits are in a grey area, but basically it's ok to tuck in.
I don't know why the cats and dogs have managed to carve this niche for themselves, but I suspect they got together and engineered the scenario somehow. "Even though we have very little going for ourselves in terms of usefulness, shall we get closer to the humans than all the other animals so they feel a bit bad about killing us?"
"Yes, but to distract attention from this alliance, let's pretend we really hate each other, so no-one would believe we were actually colluding."
"Yes, woof."
"Agreed, meow".

Don't fall for this trick people. Either don't eat any animals at all or eat all of them. That is my philosophy. I have veered from one extreme to the other in my own life."

A lot of comedians will tell you that men and women are different. "Men and women are different," they will tell you. But I am not like other comedians and I will tell you the truth. You can make an equally practical suit from the skin of either a man or a woman. On average you might get a slightly bigger suit from the skin of a man. I would't know. I've never made a suit out of man-skin. I am not a pervert.

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