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Yesterday I had one of my epiphanies that it was time to buckle down again, stop playing computer games, read some books, stop eating chocolate and cut down on drinking and get fit again. I definitely need to do that. It's time for a change and a new me. But if life has taught me anything it is that I never change, so I don't know why I would try. My teenage diaries are full of worries about being chubby (even though when I see the photos I look pretty lithe) and worrying that I was wasting too much time. And so my life has continued. Except I have got fatter and wasted even more time.
And what was remarkable about today's attempt at a new start is that I'd cracked and eaten chocolate before midday and then cracked again and had a beer with dinner and I spent at least an hour in the bath playing New Star Soccer (which is a terrible, though addictive game, designed to be just too difficult to win at without paying for in game purchases). My a third read copy of SPQR by Mary Beard sat by the bed.
But to be fair, I am still recuperating and this was a bank holiday so it was a stupid time to start. But even if tomorrow I get all hard arse again and even if in six months I am a stone lighter, surely this slothful, self-destructive (but in a very long-haul and cowardly way) and ignorant idiot me will return, as he always does. For this is who I am.
Approaching 50 adds a new tragedy to the inevitability because a) it's been going on so long already and b) soon all this stuff will matter and it will be too late to turn the tide anyway.
Most of the time I know I am being stupid and that there's probably time and energy left within me, but then I also remember all the times I screwed it up when I had more time and more energy. But maybe the increasingly nagging feeling that my life might be finite and the increasing niggles of not being totally fit will spur me on this time. Though today would suggest not.
Can we ever change? Can we fuck. Just accept who you are and get on with it. None of it matters. We'll all be dust in 150 years (or less given the way the world seems to be heading). Get pissed, eat chocolate and have an unsatisfying time playing New Star Soccer. No one's watching or cares and you will have the same impact on the world as the prick who spends all his time reading books. Our brains end up in mush anyway, so why not help the process along by atrophying whilst you're still alive?
Sorry Me 2 took over for a bit there. I will endeavour to do a little better. And you know had fun with another day off playing and acting the fool and hiding out in the bath. And we watched the Walking Dead, which I enjoy, but I am frustrated by how stupid the characters all are, going walking around in the outside world where they know there are myriad dangers. Yeah, sure, it makes for an entertaining TV show, but these people have to think about their survival, not ratings and I can't be the only one who'd like to see a series where they just get on with rebuilding civilisation, are happy and nothing bad happens. They should put me in charge of the programme. It'd do brilliantly.
I guess this blog maybe shows that things do change, but possibly not the things you are expecting to change. And a lot just stays the same. Welcome to the impossible gift of life. Enjoy it. It's fucked up that we're here at all.
And the AIOTM kickstarter staggers forward like a doomed zombie. There's an update about how you can some of the rewards added to your current pledge. Check it out.
A little over a week to go. Something pretty spectacular is going to have to happen if we're going to make it. But then I think the amount we've got to is pretty spectacular in itself. If we fail, we do so gallantly with some incredible support, so thanks to the 1800+ who have donated so far. Remember you don't get charged unless we hit the target, so by all means wait til payday, but your money won't exit your account until it's all over (if at all) (though the bank may be suspicious if you pledge money that isn't in your account).
