4716/17375
Tories refuse to drop tax on tampons. What do they want? Blood?
It's a bit late in the day but there's the first joke of the year for me. Hope to churn out another two before Christmas.
Ironically George Osborne hasn't put an extra tax on pencils though.
The Me1 Vs Me2 Snooker kickstarter seems to have stalled a bit, but not panicking yet, as people usually give more generously at the end. It was very briefly over £20,000 today but Simon Badcock (seriously) seemed to withdraw his donation of £5000 almost as soon as he'd made it. As if he realised that put the project at 2% of its target and he got scared. But as it turned out, his credit card company and the fraud squad had been in touch about the suspicious activity on his account. This had also happened to Andy McH who had had his credit card stopped after trying to donate £1000. Surely if these people just explain that they are trying to help a 48 year old man raise a million pounds so that he can play snooker against himself, they will understand. Doubly so if they explain that there's no actual way that he will hit that target and even if he gets slightly close they will withdraw their offer. But no. The Fraud Squad are too dumb to realise that. I hope they don't come after me for money laundering. Anyway, this inconvenience to the idiots who have tried to join in on this does add a whole new layer of jokes to the enterprise. And as I understand it the 2008 crash was largely caused by people jokingly backing self-playing snooker tournaments so I can appreciate their caution.
I took advantage of my wife being out for a birthday meal with friends and recorded two more podcast snooker frames, plus a one off Chris Evans (not that one) trophy tournament to go on the Lord of the Dance Settee DVD (which should be out for Christmas). There was some extraordinary play and some controversial moments. At least I thought so, but then I was mildly pissed. I am sure that once people have heard frame 66 that the donations will come flying in. As long as you believe then the Universe will provide. It's a hard and fast truth. I 100% believe I will make a million. My only regret is not making it two million so that people took me more seriously.
I had a cracking day looking after my funny daughter. I decided to introduce her to CBeebies and for the first time in my life I watched Balamory without a terrible hangover and with proper justification, now being a dad, rather than a strange single man in his mid-thirties, singing along to all the songs and secretly wanting to be dead. Phoebe seemed to like some of it, but the next programme has some weird puppets tied up in a tree, spinning round and she was really upset by that so I had to turn the TV off. We also went out for a walk and played with toys a lot and I tried to get her to talk and crawl. It was much more fun than working. I've been feeling pretty good about my ability to make her laugh, feeling chuffed that that proves I am definitely funny, despite what the people on Twitter tell me. But today in Caffe Nero, every time I put Phoebe near the brick wall, she would pat it and laugh her head off. I mean it was just totally hysterical. Every time. No matter how many times she saw it. So if I am less funny than a brick wall then maybe the Twitter people are right after all. The thing is the brick wall was funny without even trying. And I am so needy and eager to please. Less is more. That's what the brick wall taught me about comedy today.
But I'd like to see the brick wall play the late show at the Comedy Store. Or that matter, me. I'd love to see my play the late show at the Comedy Store. I'd be useless.
Now I am starting to worry that every good gig that I've thought I've done I've actually been standing in front of a brick wall. And it was the deadpanning brick wall that was getting all the laughs. The laughs seemed to come after my punchlines, but thinking about it they were also a second or so late. I assumed the audiences were being slow. But maybe it was the brick wall, subtly making a nod towards how shit I was, by just standing there and not doing anything.
Also now I really think about it, the gigs where I thought the crowds were engaged with my interesting thoughts, I was usually standing in front of a freshly painted wall, where the paint was still wet.
Maybe I am not as funny and interesting as I thought.
RHLSTP with Lee Mack is now available on video here
(also iTunes and vimeo) and audio here. (also on iTunes)
