5115/18035
Unfit as a Fidel.
I must have written more one-line jokes this year than in any other. But Fidel chose to die by natural causes just so America can’t finally kill him, when it kills all the rest of us next year. Well played sir.
It’s been a bad year, but I don’t think there is anyone or anything in the world that can claim to have had a worse year than York City. And thus by extension, as their Die Hard fan (I never go and see them play, but I love watching Die Hard), I have had the worst year of anyone. This time last year they were sitting pretty, very near the bottom of League 2, with every chance of coming third bottom and not being relegated and after another defeat today they are second bottom of the National League. Though we are a full point ahead of the mighty North Ferriby United, so it’s not all bad.
When I tweeted my belief that no one had had a worse year than York City, perhaps with half a mind on making a joke about the fact that clearly many worse things have happened, the football fans assumed I was only referring to soccer related stories. And some of them came up with other nominees, mostly Crystal Palace. But to be fair, Crystal Palace might have had a bad run and had had a bad day (though in scoring 4 goals had managed something that York can’t manage in a month), but they were neither relegated last year and are not in the relegation zone this year and they’re in the fucking Premier League. So get a sense of perspective you football morons. Anyone who would rather watch a football match than watch a DVD of Die Hard whilst casually checking their Twitter feed for results is a fucking idiot.
@oldpos tweeted me this amazing stat (which I haven’t verified or checked but we live in a post fact world so fuck you if it’s wrong) York City's away form since last win v Newport in September 2015: DLDLLLLLLLDLDLLLLLLLLDDLLLLLLDLLDL
Now try and tell me that anyone has had a worse 2016 than me.
I was very much cheered up though by the return of Who Do You Think You Are? I love this show and the only thing that makes me wish I was famous nowadays is that it might lead to me being on it. Some want money, drugs and casual sex (and I am not saying I don’t want those things, but they all sound like a lot of effort) but I just want to have someone research my family tree and then make me cry in a library. And I think this WDYTYA? (as the cool kids call it, with a rising inflection at the end to indicate the question) may be the best one there has ever been, revolving around the star of “Run For Your Wife” (never seen the film, but I think the trailer says it all - Was that Rolf?) Danny Dyer. If you need cheering up after a horrible year (especially if you support York City) then check it out on iPlayer. Not only is it one of those beauties where the family tree connects up to aristocracy and thus takes us back centuries (and yes, we’re probably all related to aristocracy somewhere along the line, but it’s proving it that is the triumph), but Dyer’s reaction to the news and the juxtaposition of him turning up at country estates and meeting his posh many times removed cousins is priceless. As is his charming view of history, comparing Thomas Cromwell to Marmite and telling a dusty bookish historian that he’s going to get a ruff…. man, it’s just beautiful. I don’t want to give any more spoilers and you don’t need me to tell you what is brilliant about it - though personally I might not have told the ancient relative that her mum had given birth to a child that had died and that she’d then hidden in a bucket. If you don’t end up loving Dyer and forgiving him for being a bigamous taxi driver, then your heart is dead (though I hope his other wife doesn’t watch the show or he’ll be in big trouble).
Congrats to Kieron Casey who won draw for "Grand Children Spoilt Here" Door mat from Happy Now? You can order your copy of the DVD here and check out the rest of the site for loads of brilliant Christmas gifts for discerning comedy nerds.
