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Monday 25th February 2008

Days without alcohol - 57. And if I wanted to do this for a year and if I was counting backwards I would not even be under 300 yet. Which puts it into some kind of perspective. But for the moment just aiming for the end of the month and then we'll see how we feel.

Yesterday's driving was still affecting me today. I was very tired and a bit spaced out and felt light-headed, like I am about to become ill. At one point I mistook a child for a guitar case. Eleven hours driving beats the shit out of any drugs.
I got my hands on two trophies at the Chortle comedy awards tonight. Which sounds good, but I was collecting one for Stew who couldn't be there and I was presenting the other one to Hans Teeuwen. So never fear, my especially commissioned awards cabinet still contains nothing but dust and broken dreams. I said I was going to keep Stew's award and could have scratched his name off the perspex with a compass and written in my own show in Tippex, but I will just keep on waiting for some official recognition of my existence. I still have my Daily Telegraph Worst Comedy Experience of 2005, but that's from three years ago. What have I done lately? But I mustn't be hasty. I've only been doing this for 20 years. Maybe in 20 more years I might actually win something.
I have at least touched two Chortle awards. I am moving in the right direction. And you know that I would be secretly quite disappointed if I broke my duck and won an actual trophy! I'd have nothing to complain about.
And at least I have my..... oh no, I don't have anything to compensate. Because for twenty years I have devoted myself to comedy and yet comedy the coquettish mistress rewards me with nothing, except a cushy job, loads of world travel, more money than I deserve and a big house. But what use is a big house if you can't fill it with Perspex trinkets? Just give me one, before I die in an horrific car crash when I fall asleep on the drive between Inverness and Plymouth, that I am sure will be on consecutive dates in the next tour.

But Stew owes me a big debt. He only started winning awards when I stopped working with him. So in a way, he owes everything to me. And my not being there.

I am only joking. Almost entirely joking.

So anyway Pizza Express never got back to me did they? Which is a little bit rude, both to me and to you as they clearly feel my unveiled threats to bombard them with emails attempting to find out the calorific values of their pizzas would not prove troublesome.
So I think it's time for me to unleash the unimaginable powers of the Warming Up Army of Mentals and for you to each email Pizza Express to see if they will reveal the calorific values of the items on their menus.
Please email -
And mark your message FAO Catherine Young and ask for them to provide you with the calorific values of the items on their menu. Make it clear that you are only interested in that information and you do not want a list of diet tips for use at the restaurant. Don't mention my name. But if you don't do it then you are allowing Pizza Express to piss into your face, so if you could find two minutes today to send off an email (and don't say anything offensive or mental, just ask for the info) and do let me know if you get a reply (because it's only fair that I get as much of my time wasted as Catherine Young does). And if this has no effect I will consider my next move. Jeremy Vine seems to champion the idiotic member of the public, so maybe he's my next port of call. Failing that Jeremy Kyle. Please God, don't let it go that far!

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