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Today felt like the greatest day of my entire life. I got to stay in bed until midday. I wasn't asleep for all that time, but more importantly I wasn't separating fighting kids or wiping any arses. The kids were gone -only temporarily or it would have been upsetting - but let me tell you it's worth having kids just so you can palm them off on someone else once in a while and know what it is to do NOTHING.
I think it was made sweeter by the pressures of a year in lockdown, but I don't think there can be a better drug on this planet than the feeling that you get from a day off from parental responsibility. You hip youngsters keep drinking your heroins but the real high comes from five years of childcare followed by one proper sleep.
I would tell my kids later that I missed them. I did not miss them one bit. I have never been happier in my life.
And even better my wife was happy too. It's hard to get your moods to coincide when you're parents but we were both at the top of our biorhythms and it was ace. We'd assumed we'd get stuff done today, but aside from a feeble and half-hearted attempt to prepare for tonight's charity gig at the Clapham Grand and a very slapdash attempt to get some weeds out of the garden, I did nothing.
B L I S S.
It was very interesting and exciting to get back on stage and in front of an audience tonight, but also to take this extraordinary step to burn up all my pre-covid material and start again. I managed to think of about four things to take about, but knew that that would take a minute or two at most, but I also didn't want to write any of it down and wanted to see what I could do in the crucible formed by the hot spotlights. I didn't really care if I crashed and burned. I decided I wanted to go out there and see if I could get laughs from nothing and inspiration from the thin air. I took Ally on with me in his box, but I didn't know what I was going to talk to him about. I was largely trusting that he'd pull it out of the bag so I didn't have to do anything.
There was a lot of good will in the room. The audience were as happy to be here as the acts were ecstatic to have a room to perform to. Of course the audience were spread out in the theatre and otherwise online. But it was my first chance to find out if the stuff I am saying is actually laugh our loud funny (or just nuts) for five months.
I was relaxed and casual and my new stand up ideas actually played to big laughs. I wondered if I should just have carried on and done some of my observations about Katy Perry and Bananas in Pyjamas rather than trusting an 128 year old doll to pull me out of this.
I was perhaps a little bit too unprepared and wish that I'd played up the reveal for a bit longer and explained what the fuck was going on a bit better, but Ally and me stood on stage for 7 or 8 minutes and shot the breeze. I hadn't really considered that he might freak people out. I could almost feel the friendly audience backing off in fear of this tiny demon. But we got some laughs and he said some stuff I wasn't expecting and as shaky as this first appearance in front of an audience with Ally since 1987 was ( or did he appear in a RHLSTP at some point?) it still felt like there might be something more in it. Especially if we worked on it a little bit. The thing with Ally though is he won't rehearse.
So I felt like I had gotten away with it. It didn't feel like a triumph, but the important thing about the gig was that it represented an important change of intent and direction. Not necessarily that I will be doing a double act with a doll (who is incidentally eight years older than the venue we were in and only three years younger than Charlie Chaplin who once played here - though arguably a lot more active nowadays) but that I won't be falling back on old routines and familiar stuff and will push myself to take stupid risks and see if I can entertain without knowing what is coming next.
I was glad that I had spent the day relaxing rather than rehearsing. But equally it felt very nice to be back on stage, even when I thought I might have nothing to say.
And what a monumental moment for Ally. I expect he will be difficult to deal with now. Even if the audience were repulsed and a huge number of the zoom audience seemed to disappear once he appeared. My great-grandad would be… well not proud, probably ashamed and slightly bemused. But you know, hopefully some sense of pleasure that the doll he made was still in the family and still in use.
If you really want to see mein kampf and me workshopping something on stage then
you can do so here.
