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After dropping the kids at school I had to pop into town to pick up a couple of things for dinner and I passed Poundland and I am afraid I cracked. I bought Ernie his stupid Pumpkin Hand thing. It was still only 8.30 (our kids school starts early) and so there were only schoolkids in there, buying pop and chocolate. The lady on the counter asked all of them if they wanted a receipt. None of them did. I don't know if there's a lot of 12 year olds who are bringing back defective cokes or having to keep a record for their accountant.
I suppose it was weirder that a late-middle-aged man was buying Halloween stuff this early in the day in September, but the lady at the counter has seen everything. Including, presumably, a school kid going ballistic because they weren't offered proof of purchase.
I didn't think it was fair that I just bought a plastic hand for Ernie and I noticed that there was also a skellington hand version available, so I bought one of those for Phoebe. Ernie had been so insistent that he couldn't live without a pumpkin hand that I was pretty sure he wouldn't mind if his sister got a skellington. A voice in the back of my head, which I presume was me from the future, was quietly shouting "What are you doing? Can't you see where this will lead?"
My belief is we get to rewatch our entire lives again once we're dead and those times when you get a voice in your head questioning the wisdom of what you're doing is not you conscience or warning system. I think it's the dim echo of yourself bewailing your own stupidity in the Heavenly video booth. The sound should never really leak through, but sometimes someone makes so much noise behind a two way mirror that you know they're there.
Anyway, I assumed both kids would be delighted. But I bumped into Ernie and his Nanna, later in the park after I'd played tennis. He'd clearly seen the hands, but wasn't as happy as I'd assumed. "Daddy, when you bought the hands, you meant for the skellington one was mine wasn't it?" (Yes I have taught him the correct pronunciation of skellington).
The kids had been arguing about how was getting which one and they both wanted the cooler one. Ernie hadn't seen the boney version in the shop, but now he had his lifelong dedication to getting a pumpkin hand with a bag on it had fallen away and he wanted the other one.
Rather than being the hero/weak dad who had bended to his will, I had just created another opportunity for a tantrum. Was I going to have to go back to swap the pumpkin for a skellington? Ironically I had not been offered a receipt. That check out woman had seen it all and knew what was coming. Also her future self watching her life back had probably shouted to her to not give a receipt and this woman, sensibly, had listened.
Later we discussed who would have which hand, Phoebe said it should be whoever gave the best argument (and kindly said we should take into account the age difference in our judgement). She did point out that she was dressing as Wednesday from the Addam's Family so the hand would be like the skinny brother of Thing and more appropriate for her costume. Ernie is going to be his mask-wearing soft drink character, who admittedly shouldn't have a boney hand (if only he'd chosen a Skeletor mask he'd have won this one).
This was the best argument as Ernie's counter was that he just wanted the skellington one.
In the end though, the little brother gave way and without tears or tantrum said his sister could have the one he now wanted. He is a very kind child and loves Phoebe (even though she claims not to feel the same) and has the foolish generosity that his father also suffers from. No one pays back, Ernie and some of them will think you're a chump that they're taking advantage of. But you're the best. Keep it up. It's not about pay back.
It worked out OK, so why was future dead me so insistent that I don't buy the thing?
Oh shit, they're haunted/cursed aren't they? The Halloween blog is going to be tasty.
A few people sent me another Richard Herring lookalike today and it's a man who has disgraced the Richard Herring template face. Has he motorcycled around the world with Ewan McGregor? No. Is he offering people hair transplants or Velux windows? No, he is not. Is he (more obliquely) the star of Trigger Happy TV or the stupid one off Father Ted? (no I don't see those ones either). NO.
This is Grant Laing, the Perth and Kinross council leader who has quit after being accused of embezzlement. How dare he use my smug smiling face to attempt to look innocent?
Like most of the pictures I'm sent that are supposed to look like me, I don't think this really looks like me, though see what they're getting at.
The Velux window one is closer and the European hair transplant advert is the closest (though ironically the version without hair looks just like me and the one without does not).
One day I will get all the Richard Herring faced men (and any women that look like me) together for a party. What a confusing day that will be. Grant Laing will not be invited. If you have this face you have to uphold the highest moral standards. If my pick n mix and first class travel crimes catch up with me then I won't be able to attend my own party, even though I had the face originally and the others all copied.
One of my all time favourite RHLSTPs, the one with Reece Shearsmith has just been released as a retro RHLSTP and for the first time
the full video is free on YoutubeIf you missed it before, do listen now and I think it bears a second listen! Reece is amazingly funny, rude and fuming!
