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Wednesday 18th November 2020


One more sleep!

I’m ready for Brexit. I got 8kg of Old-Fashioned Porridge oats delivered to the house. Not only can these be made with ditch water (which is all we’ll have in January), they are old-fashioned, like everything will have to be once we’ve left the EU. Also the oats are absorbent so you can use them as toilet roll substitute, then clean then in ditch water and hey presto- you have lunch!
Be nice to think we’ll look back on that as comical exaggeration, but given my prediction hit rate over the last few months, I am not sure.

I got sent some flowers today which was a surprise. They were delivered in a box by the postman which was also quite odd and unsurprisingly (as they were loose stems and not in water) they looked a bit withered and sad. Was this some kind of a threat? It was like getting blooms in some kind of flower coffin. If the flowers were on the inside of the coffin does that mean the outside would be draped with dead bodies?
I looked to see if there was a note and eventually found it and it turned out that Ian Waitrose has sent these nearly dead flowers to me to thank me for being a loyal customer. I think he just fancies me and found my address in his database and was using this as an excuse. Which is very unprofessional and creepy and I think Ian Waitrose should resign.
The thing is that I haven’t been anything like as loyal a customer this year, because we’ve been trying to get by without heading into town as much as possible, so I have been to the supermarket much less (though admittedly done bigger shops whilst I am there). It seemed like a desperate ploy to win me back rather than genuine gratitude. And in the future Ian, just send me the money. The flowers and the postage combined could probably have bought me something I actually wanted.
Maybe they were just trying to show me that if I wanted to scare people I could, if I wished, send them some dying flowers in a flower coffin. But I can’t think of anyone I want to do that to. Not that I’ve got the address of anyway,
I put the flowers in some water and they rallied and actually look quite good now. But they are probably just grateful to have had a Lazarus like escape from the tomb and aren’t aware that their legs have been severed. They can probably still feel their toes, even though their toes have been chopped off and are decaying. Like they soon will be. Like we all soon will be.
Thanks for reminding me of my own mortality, Waitrose. Maybe you’re banking on that making me want to eat crisps and drink wine again. But for now Stopvember remains solid for me.

Another lovely day of RHLSTP prep, this time looking through some of the career highlights of the almost ubiquitous Kiell Smith-Bynoe. I hadn’t met him before, but was not surprised to discover what a charming and funny man he was. And he took me going on about Cheap, Cheap, Cheap extremely patiently. Out in a couple of weeks, or watch now in the video section of Twitch.

RHLSTP with the legend that is Nell Scovell is up 

(All the free books have been claimed now )

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