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I have always resolved to treat my kids like hecklers and try never to lose my temper with them, otherwise they win. I haven’t quite managed that for 8 years (maybe 8 minutes), though generally speaking have been quite good. My son had a bit of a crazy hour this afternoon after his sister scared him. He was running off and running into walls and pretending it was an accident (the slapstick gene is strong in this one) whilst continually shouting “It’s raining piranhas!” He tired of the slapstick but kept up the repetition for 30 minutes at least and eventually, tired from intensity of holiday times and lack of sleep I mildly snapped and had to tell him to be quiet. He wasn’t though. I held it together quite well, but I was narked.
It reminded me that I only remember my mum losing her temper with me once as a child (that’s not to say that it didn’t happen more often, but the fact I clearly remember this one time suggests it was a very rare event). I was doubtless shouting some meaningless phrase over and over again and she shouted at me - can’t remember what she said, but I suspect it was “Oh for God’s sake shut up” - she never swore in front of me either, something that I can’t say is true for me and my kids. I stated crying and she immediately apologised and hugged me. The incredible thing is that I was 28 years old at the time. I know earlier I said I was a child, but ignore that or the joke doesn’t work.
Not really - it was in Loughborough so I must have been between 4 and 7 years old.
But one time, mum. That’s incredible. Especially given that I must have been exactly like my insane son, who has been sent to punish me for being me, by being me. You had the patience of a saint and were immediately devastated to have upset me. What a terrific mum. Apart from the time that I tried to jump on to that barge and you didn’t think I could make it and grabbed me, so my leg got caught between the boat and the wall of the canal.
Luckily my own kids won’t remember one instance of me losing my shit with them because it happens all the time and will thus remember me as a faultless dad. If you can’t be 100% patient you might as well go Homer Simpson on their arses.
The holiday has exhausted the kids almost as much as it has exhausted me. Tonight we went for dinner with friends in Norwich and by 8pm Ernie was asleep on his mother’s lap (and we still had a 45 minute journey back to Horsey - where we still haven’t seen a single horse). No more weird lights or alarms at home - although the TV does come on by itself if you leave it on at the wall. Oh and there was an big tack lying point up on the patio too, which would have done some hard even if you’d stood on it shod. Apart from the ghosts and invisible prowlers, it’s been a pretty good holiday home.
New newsletter with all confirmed RHLSTP line-ups. Can’t believe there are tickets left for any of these announced bills, let alone the cheaper ones. Come along if you can. Though sadly Sarah Millican has had to cancel her appearance due to illness and rescheduling of Australian dates.
