I had some very weird dreams in the night - maybe because I have been taking cannabis oil, but Catie insists that CBD oil takes out the hallucinatory properties of the drugs. A member of a production crew insisted I had a Covid test and that apparently had to be taken by inserting a cotton bud into my Herringâ€™s Eye (the external meatus of the penis). It was all very matter of fact and clinical, but my penis was apparently too dry and so the man licked it and then (and then) realised that perhaps what he was doing was inappropriate and apologised and spat on it instead. I just wanted the test to be over with and didnâ€™t even report the guy.
I donâ€™t know what Dr Freud would make of that.
At least dream me is getting some action. Even if he has confused Covid tests with tests for STDs.
Then I was heading to see Mike Birbigliaâ€™s live show (I have never seen him live, but he seems like a nice guy), but I needed a wee (not surprised after all that Herringâ€™s Eye excitement) but couldnâ€™t go in the urinal provided due to nerves. Then Jennifer Coolidge walked into the toilet, she was much smaller than Iâ€™d expected, and proceeded to wee at the urinals. Somehow.
It was then that I woke up, which was a shame as Iâ€™d been looking forward to Mikeâ€™s show.
But I am not convinced that the active bit of the cannabis has been completely removed.
Unsurprisingly I was a bit freaked out when I woke up and couldnâ€™t get back to sleep, having one of my occasional bouts of panic and paranoia in the small hours of the morning, feeling like I was losing my mind. I know that it all returns to normal in an hour or two (and it passed quicker than usual this time) but I do fear this becoming my normal state of mind. And that this hour of madness is actually the only time I am properly lucid and understand the fragility of sanity and of life.
I tried to have a normalise day today, in spite of still feeling steam-rollered by my virus/bug. I interviewed academic Kate Devlin about sex robots and AI fantasties for the Book Club (out next month) and she was as game, funny and smart as I had expected her to be. And she didnâ€™t hold out any great hope of realistically human sex dolls within my life time - but ha interesting ideas about how technology might be incorporated in sexual activity in more interesting ways.
I am attempting to bluff my body into thinking it is well and so then went to the supermarket and picked up Ernie from his after school cookery class. Heâ€™d cut his finger and (somehow) got a basketball in the face, but had made what he called burritos but which turned out to be buns, but were still tasty.
He had also stolen a book from the school library and cunningly tried to hide his crime. He said that heâ€™d found an old book of his in his book bag (which gets emptied every day so that was unlikely) and then I saw him sneaking something upstairs under his shirt. The book then appeared in his room and he tried to pretend heâ€™d always had it, but I didnâ€™t recognise it and it looked like a school book and also he had covered up his crime very badly. I challenged him on it and he laughed and crumbled pretty quickly. It wasnâ€™t a patch on his fatherâ€™s pick and mix crimes, but I suppose itâ€™s positive that heâ€™s stealing knowledge (and he got 9 out of 10 on the quiz at the end of the book once weâ€™d read it, so heâ€™s genuinely interested). We will return the book obviously and I donâ€™t think Ernie is going to be a criminal mastermind yet, but he will be able to tell you anything you need to know about your Uranus.
Chris Evans also accidentally put up the bonus Acast Plus podcast for EVERYONE, so if youâ€™re quick you might be able to listen to that for free. Itâ€™s like being in business with a chimp.