A couple of gigs tonight: the first of the now annual Robin Ince Humanist Christmas gigs at the Apollo and then Dave Gorman's Screen Guild in the charming Hoxton Hall. I am still not at my best and had made things worse by enjoying a few drinks at the yearly gathering of my University pals last night.
I decided to do my Talking Cock routine about where men have put their penises "for fun" at the Bloomsbury. Although I know this bit off by heart I have found it is useful to "read" the answers from a card as it helps to show the audience which bits come from the survey - also I can add new answers easily. I tucked the relevant card into the back pocket of my jeans. I remember thinking that this might be a stupid place to put it as there was the danger it would slip out, but I also didn't want to forget to bring it and this was the only pocket I had where the card would not get creased up.
I meant to transfer it into my coat inside pocket when I put my coat on, but I forgot. Never mind. It wasn't that likely to fall out.
Of course, it fell out at some point between my house and the Bloomsbury - most likely on the tube. Which wasn't a massive problem. I could remember everything that was on there and wrote it out again at the venue.
But it did leave me wondering about what anyone who discovered the card might have made of it. It's only got buzz words on there so it's a list that runs
"Vagina
Shampoo Bottle
Milk Bottle
Glass of wine
Raw Steak"
If you weren't in the know then this would seem like the strangest shopping list in the world. First I must buy some vagina... You might think that it was some kind of plan for a night of kinky sex, a reminder of what order to do things. First the vagina, obviously, always top on anyone's list, then a shampoo bottle, presumably inserted into the said orifice, then a milk bottle, harder and less malleable and perhaps colder - pervy - then... what, "a glass of wine". To drink? To somehow insert? The "raw steak" Oh my God what terrible sexual practices are going on here, that I have no concept or foreknowledge of.
Maybe you'd guess it was the to do list of some kind of awful serial killer, working out what weapons he would use to kill his next victim or what calling card he would leave behind (any decent serial killer always has a few vaginas ready to distribute at any crime scene). Without the word "vagina" at the top you probably wouldn't give the list a second look, but once it's there it would be hard not to notice it and then to become confused about what this list on an index card was all about.
Would the next item "Jelly spooned into a toilet roll" make things clearer or even more befuddling? If that made you think - oh hold on, these are all things that men would put their cocks into for fun, then that might actually say something about you that you wouldn't want people to know.
Still I think this could make a great round on Victoria Coren's "Only Connect". I might send it in.
In all likelihood the bit of card got swept up or blown down the tracks without anyone spotting it, but it's a satisfying pay off to the mishap to imagine the possible consternation of the random person who found it. Sometimes you don't need to witness something for it to be funny. Sometimes it's actually better just to imagine it happening.
