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Friday 14th April 2017

And then here we are, with the newspapers casually talking about nuclear war. Mutually assured destruction be damned - all that it takes for a nuclear war is for two powers with nuclear weapons to be ruled by insane psychopaths at the same time. And really just one if the person is massively insane.
Just the possibility of an accident or a misunderstanding will surely account for a couple of launches in every century or so.
The chances of that never happening between now and the end of humanity (and let’s face it the two things might be linked) is frankly about zero per cent. I have always believed that there will be at least one use of non-test nuclear weapons during my lifetime. Let’s face it my parents’ generation had two. 
Nuclear weapons haven’t even been around for 80 years and look here we are. Two pumped up egotists flexing their muscles, both of them believably capable of launching these things. We dodged the bullet (actually it was a bit more than a bullet) in the 60s. Maybe we will dodge it again this time. But we’re not going to dodge it every time. That's not even counting the terrorists who actively want to be blown into the afterlife in return. Maybe if they were blown a bit more in this life then they wouldn't be so uptight.
I don’t think we can realsitically expect disarmament to happen.Unless you count firing them all at each other as a type of disarmament.
The human race is doomed. Or at least our current civilisation. Hope the mutant stragglers who survive will forge a brave new world. But they won’t. It might take them a few thousand years, but they will get us back to the exact same point again until someone does the job properly.
On the bright side, I suppose it’s possible that the destruction of the environment will get us first. Luckily Trump is doing great work in ensuring that that happens too. I had pretty much convinced myself that Satan didn’t exist, but the way things are playing out at the moment, I think I might have been mistaken. Why would any human being push the world towards self-destruction? Only the devil or Skeletor would have any interest in doing that. Remember when Trump was asking about the nuclear missiles before he was elected? He couldn’t wait.
Yeah, maybe it won’t happen this time. But if you think that no one is ever going to use these weapons on people then you are just as crazy as the person who will eventually do it. During my lifetime. Just near the end of my lifetime is my guess.
It’s probably for the best.
On the plus side it might get me out of having to write my Edinburgh show.

Loved seeing the front pages of tomorrow’s papers, reporting this crisis, but other stuff as well, as if any story really matters if the nuclear war one is true. The Daily Mirror went with “We’re on the brink of nuclear war” whilst also promising “eight pages of Easter puzzles.” Hopefully they are easy enough to finish pretty quickly.

But we carry on with our lives as if we’re not imminently or eventually going to be transformed into neat piles of radioactive dust. Up to Leeds today, for a much needed gig in front of 400+ people. The Leeds  City Varieties is a perfect venue for comedy. I had a blast. And then went out for a drink with my niece and her friends from University, so I could pretend to myself I was 25 again, not nearly 50. In my heart that’s how I feel, but in my legs I was an exhausted middle-aged dad and I sloped off to bed after just two drinks. The second 25 years go pretty fast, I wanted to warn them. But what 25 year old would pay any attention to a 49 year old? Even one as unflinchingly cool as me. Except when I spilled most of my second drink over one of them.

Once again it’s your chance to get your name in my new Edinburgh/tour programme, plus get sent a limited edition signed programme, plus give some money to SCOPE. Donate £15 or more (the more you donate the bigger your name will appear) here -  and then email me your address. Programmes will be sent out in July or August. If you want to advertise in the programme please get in touch with me and I will let you know the rates -
Remember after the nuclear holocaust, money will have no meaning. So get rid of all yours now.

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