7377/19897
32768 Ferrero Rocher today.
Though in fact my wife and I exchanged nothing (but insults) as she said she’d left my card at home by accident. So I said that too.
Exhausting first full day of the holiday - because there’s no such thing as a relaxing holiday when you’re a parent. We started things by going on a walk to a seal beach, which to be fair was extraordinary. Hundreds of seals lying on the sandy beach and swimming in the cold sea. The beach was a really nice one and any decent place would have shot all the seals and constructed amusement arcades, but the idiots of East Anglia respect the right of seals to own a beach and the weird sea dogs ruled the place. The humans gingerly stuck to the high part of the beach for fear that the tubby mammals would somehow scoot up the land with their aquatic bodies and bite the shit out of us. It’s time for humans to assert their superiority with guns,
The seals lay there and occasionally got in fights with each other, presumably over who had the best spot to lie on and then, when they got bored of sunbathing, they’d caper in the water together. It was hypnotic to watch. Phoebe suggested sitting on a rock on the beach, but when we got closer I realised that the rock looked a bit weird and hollow and rotten. It was a dead seal, but luckily I realised in time so we didn’t sit on it and fall into its rotten seal guts. There were a few semi-buried seals along the way and naturally, this is what the kids fixated on. On the way out there was a slightly bloody one right up against the barrier, well camouflaged in the sand so that it was probable that people had stepped on it. We couldn’t work out if the dead seals had been brought up the beach by the tide, or if other seals had pushed them out the way or if they’d known they were on the way out and had found a place to die. Probably the first one right?
All I know is that there are no seal undertakers and I guess any seals that try to set up in business are screwed by their lack of hands and legs and so find it difficult to dig graves.
But the life cycle of the seal was there- born, lie on the beach, frolic in the sea, eat some fish, die.
On the way back I tried to entertain the kids with seal “jokes”.
What is a seal’s favourite recording artist? Seal (would have worked better if they knew who Seal is)
What does a seal use to close their envelopes? A seal.
What does a seal plumber use to fix a toilet to the floor? Seal
What does a clairvoyant seal claim to be able to do? See all.
Phoebe came up with an actual proper joke, rather than my stupid fake ones.
What does a seal say when it’s going away? Seal you later.
So I came up with
What does a seal plumber say to a toilet that he can’t fix yet? Seal you later
and
What does a seal say to an envelope that he wants to close, but not yet? Seal you later.
And also
What did the seal monarch give to the seal who had done something that the monarch throught was good? A seal of approval (but the kids didn’t know that phrase so the brilliant joke was lost on them)
Then Phoebe, again the best comedian in the family, came up with
What did the seal say to the other seal?
She then mimicked the weird barking noise that the seals had been making when they were fighting on the beach. She’s a smart cookie.
Though she didn’t seem to get we were doing deliberately terrible jokes, rather than good ones.
We had lunch in the
Nelson’s Head which I’d recommend if you ever find yourself in Horsey. We had some fun working out why it was called Horsey when you hadn’t seen any horses here. My guess is that there’s one spectacular horse here and if you ever see it you’ll know why they had to name the place after it. Anyway there were loads of old guns and handcuffs and stuff on the walls of the pub and the food was great and the staff very friendly and helpful. It’s the perfect place to eat after you’ve been looking at seals.
I also came up with this joke whilst eating my fish and chips
What do I have in common with a seal? We both eat fish.
And Phoebe came up with
What do you have in common with a seal with one ball? You both have one ball.
I lost the seal joke challenge again.
We took It relatively easy in the afternoon and I foolishly went to bed for an hour (I slept fitfully, but then couldn’t get to sleep later and so the cycle continues) and we played football and basketball in the garden of the cottage we’re staying in (as we had early in the morning - no wonder I am knackered). We then went in search of dinner and unusually I planned things (to an extent) finding a family restaurant in a town about 20 minutes away, which was near some pubs so we had a back up. It was only whilst we were in thecae that I remembered it was Valentine’s Day so places might be booked up. We were setting out early though. The family restaurant was not open. The nearby pub had a car park so full that we only found a space by luck on our second drive round - and were then told that there were no tables until 9. We tried to go to a takeaway pizza place, but it turned out to be inside a holiday camp that looked pretty closed. Eventually we decided to drive to Great Yarmouth - despite the risk of being mobbed by the inhabitants, desperate to name a bridge after me and then bear my children - and got a Dominos. It was a typically fraught holiday search for food, but we ate the pizza as we drove back to our cottage and to be honest, I think that was more fun and enjoyable than sitting in a restaurant full of people trying to be romantic with each other and realising they hadn’t really gone upmarket enough.
Knackered, but unable to sleep with a belly full of Dominos and having already had a foolish nap, I resigned myself to another tired holiday tomorrow. We’re going to watch some sheep giving birth, because once you’ve seen the horror of death, you need to be reminded of the greater horror of birth.
I can’t wait for ewe to see the terrible dad jokes I will be coming up with tomorrow. Make sure you sheep well, so you’re ready for me to ram them into your lamb (lap). What have I become?
Joining Joe Cornish at RHLSTP next Monday will be the fantastic Zoe Lyons.
BOOK NOW! 
