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Monday 14th January 2008

Days Without Alcohol 15

Things that amused me today - I was sitting next to a teenage white girl with dreadlocks in Pret a Manger (deluxe sushi - 364 calories) who had the word "BRA" written on her hand in large letters in blue felt tip. I had to wonder why. To remind her to buy one? To remind her to put one on? To remind her how to spell the word? Or was she a fledgling stand up comedian with just one joke, who nonetheless needed to write a buzzword on her hand to remind her what came next?
I wanted to ask, but I think it would be wrong for a 40 year old man to ask a girl who was probably 16 about her bra. Even if it is just the word bra.
Things that didn't make me laugh today - "Dan In Real Life". I didn't have high hopes, in fact I had very low hopes, but even so the film came nowhere near to living up to my expectations. Having really enjoyed Steve Carrel in "The Office - An American Workplace", I was hoping he could bring something special to this, but it was a really odd, mawkish and embarrassing piece of work. Carrel is strange and unlikeable in it. I wanted his brother's girlfriend to stay with the brother. Even though the brother was clearly meant to be a shallow dick. He was still better than the uncomfortable and self indulgent character Carrel was giving us. It's awful, don't see it. Don't think, it might be OK. It won't be.
The most entertaining thing that happened to me in the Cineworld in the Trocadero (surely the most depressing cinema in the world - the staff all look like they want to commit suicide. I know working in a cinema isn't the greatest job in the world, but I have never seen such universal misery or surlyness in a place of entertainment - and I have gigged in Carlisle) was in the toilet after the film had thankfully ended. A man in his fifties came in and went to the urinal at the end of the row. He started talking. I thought he was so upset about the film that he had to share his disgust with a urinating stranger. But then he said, "Just a quickie!"
I felt this was what might be considered unnecessary information - I didn't care how big his wee was going to be - and nearly turned to him to say something, when I realised he had in fact just started a phone conversation. As he was expelling urine. I think this might be a worse crime than telling a stranger that your piss is not going to take too long. Especially as it turned out that he was clearly conversing with a loved one, asking her how her presumably injured back was. He was trying to sound romantic and caring, but all the time he was urinating. He couldn't wait 30 seconds to have the conversation as he was going down the escalator. But he cared so little for the back-injured lady on the other end of the phone that he was multi-tasking and expelling liquid at the same time. Maybe he had to speak to his mistress on the way out of the cinema. Maybe he was with his mistress.
Anyway a man pissing and talking on the phone was more entertaining than "Dan in Real Life". Steve Carrel wasted an evening of my life, by abusing my enjoyment of his other work. But then it is some comfort to realise that he wasted a couple of months of his life filming it.

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