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I am going to do all I can to prevent the release of the Epstein Files. You might think this is the behaviour of someone who has something to hide and that anyone who isn't mentioned in the Epstein Files would welcome their publication. But you're wrong about that. There are loads of reasons why a totally innocent person wouldn't want the files released and furthermore would do everything they could to prevent it. So many reasons that it would be impossible for me to list them.
I don't have time to write them all down and you don't have time to read them. There are more important things to worry about. Loads more things. Again too many to list.
You might just say give us one of the reasons. But I would say no. Again going into my reasons for not listing one reason would be too complex for people who haven't been involved in illegal sex rings to understand. Not that you have to be involved in illegal sex rings to understand. Because I am not. Just ignore this paragraph.
What I would ask you to do is show that you have absolute faith in my purity. If I am forced to give evidence that I am NOT on the Epstein List then that actually be insulting to you. I know you believe that I am on your side and have never made a mistake and that the criminal convictions against me have been concocted by my enemies. So if I have to come out and show you that I am not on the Epstein List (which of course I am not, so don't bother looking, you'd just be wasting your time) then that would be me actually calling you a gullible idiot. Are you a gullible idiot? Of course not. Which is why, whatever you hear about me, you have to vociferously deny it's true. Or you'd have to admit you were wrong all along. Which would certainly be worse than the relatively minor issue of allowing hundreds of powerful sex criminals to walk the streets unpunished.
If I am not on the Epstein List, which as I said I am not, how can I prove it? It's not possible to prove a negative is it? You can't prove there isn't a god and you can't prove that I am not on the list. You might say that you could prove it either way by looking at the list, but you're not listening. You can't prove a negative.
So anyway, don't release the files. Or do and then just say that they are faked by my enemies. Because if I am on them then that's what happened. But I am not on them. So don't release them. QED.
RHLSTP with Rhys Darby, Dan Schreiber and Buttons from the Cryptid Factor is
now up here.And joining Richard Osman on the RHLSTP on 1st December at the Leicester Square Theatre is Ghosts star Mathew Baynton.
BOOK QUICK, still a few £18.50 tickets left.
