My
Benign Positional Vertigo has returned. I first suffered from this back in 2004, though had a slight recurrence
in 2006. Interestingly enough the last occurrence came on the back of a month of so's hard work without a break after Edinburgh, which might again be responsible this time round. I have been fearfully busy since I got back in August, not just gigging up and down the country (and on the continent), but also having done a weekly podcast, recorded 80% of my Radio 4 documentary series, having appeared on three panel shows, script-edited a sit-com, written links for another series, written half a sitcom script, several pieces of journalism and started work on my book. Plus there's the Lee and Herring mini-reunion to prepare for on Sunday. All that on the back of a gruelling month in Edinburgh and the two months of preparation that came before it. It's great to have the work, but I've barely had time to sit down and rest at all in the last eleven weeks. I really need a holiday - but won't be able to take one until Christmas. I am eschewing my family to fly to some distant beach to just laze around in a hammock. If I live that long.
The dizziness returned a few weeks ago, but it's only really since getting drunk with Andrew on Monday that it has kicked in at full strength. When I lie at certain angles my head feels like it is spinning like that of some kind of possessed teenage girl. Life is a rollercoaster in my brain at least, because today I foolishly tried to go to the gym, which just discombobulated me further as I hadn't slept too well after the long Buzzcocks recording. And tonight, when walking down to the tube station I was swaying from side to side like a cartoon drunk, and feeling queasy and exhausted. I had a gig to do and I felt pretty wiped out and unsteady on stage. As I bent over to mime the act of anal sex with my hands I thought I might actually go down. Would this be my Tommy Cooper moment? Would my last act be to spit on my own hands and pretend my finger was a penis penetrating a resistant anus? A fitting epitaph to my life? Perhaps.
I commented on this, which gave me a chance to explore an idea that I had briefly contemplated the other day and then (until that moment) forgotten about. When people say, "At least he died doing something he enjoyed..." as if that is some kind of comfort. But I don't want to die doing something I enjoy. That would be really disappointing. Say I was in the middle of having sex with eighteen year old twin girls, something I very much enjoy (in my imagination at least) and then suddenly my heart gives out - all I have left to me is a brief second of thinking - "Oh crap, I haven't done half the things I was hoping to achieve in this scenario" and bang, I'm out of there. My life ends in soiled disappointment. Plus I go straight to Hell for being a party to group sex, lesbianism and incest. I want to die doing something I really hate doing. Or more accurately, just as I have to start something I hate doing. So let's say we've just had Christmas dinner (on a year when I am not in a hammock) and it's my turn to do the washing up and I've got to do all the greasy baking trays and stuff. Just as the hot water is running into the bowl I keel over and then I am laughing. Not only have I had a big dinner - something I enjoy - but I have completely got out of having to do any of the tidying up afterwards. Some other schmuck will now have to do washing and drying (if there's any justice in the world it will be my brother - making it a double victory for me) and I get away scot free. Imagine the triumph and delight I'd be feeling as I sunk to my knees. We should envy the dead in these situations, not feel sorry for them. In fact if someone else did that to me, I'd be kicking their corpse and calling them a selfish bastard. Not only leaving the housework to be done, but adding all the inconvenience of their useless cadaver to deal with. By the time you'd called the ambulance and the funeral directors the grease and roast potato marks would have really dried on, making their job doubly difficult.
So I don't want to go on stage doing something I love, especially if it's during one of my more childish and pathetic bits. I want to go at the beginning of an opera, or whilst working in a sewer or at the opening credits of "Balls of Steel" (how come none of those fuckers have ever had to resign from anything - they are the most objectionable and needlessly offensive cunts I have ever come across and I have listened to some of George Lamb's radio show).
I didn't die. Not this time. Though if I get an attack of the dizzies at the wrong time this bastard condition could take me down. For example if it happens during my regular stints down the sewer. So I object to it being called "Benign" Positional Vertigo as if it couldn't possibly do anything to hurt you. It should be at least "Tedious" Positional Vertigo or "Potentially Dangerous in the wrong situation" Positional Vertigo or "Malevolent" Postional Vertigo. Anything but benign.
I finally get myself an illness and when I tell people about it they think it's doing me no harm.
And it isn't.
But it could. That's the point.
In other news the GFS published book of the first six months of Warming Up should be ready by the end of November - the perfect Christmas gift. You can download the cover
here. The "Oh Fuck, I'm 40" DVD is also very nearly ready.
And the Headmaster's Son tour dates have been announced. Here they are - Book ahead to avoid disappointment - mainly my disappointment admittedly, but a few of these will sell out in advance, so don't leave it til the last minute.
JAN
30 Whitstable - 01227 281174
31 Roses Theatre, Tewksbury - PREVIEW DATE 01684 295074
FEB
17- 21st and 24th-28th LONDON, Leicester Square Theatre 0844 847 2475
See website
MARCH
01 WINCHESTER, Theatre Royal 01962 840440
05 BATH, Komedia 0845 293 8480
06 COVENTRY, Warwick Arts Centre 024 7652 4524
07 NEW MILTON, Forest Arts Centre 01425 612393
08 BRISTOL, The Tobacco Factory 0117 902 0344
09 TAUNTON, The Brewhouse Theatre 01823 283244
12 CAMBRIDGE, The Junction 01223 511 511
13 UPPINGHAM, Uppingham Theatre 01572 820820
15 YORK, Hyena Lounge 01423 502 116
16 HARROGATE, Harrogate Theatre 01423 502 116
18 LEAMINGTON SPA, Royal Spa Centre 01926 334418
19 LIVERPOOL, Unity Theatre 0151 709 4988
20 WOLVERHAMPTON, Little Civic Theatre 0870 320 7000
21 GLASGOW, Oran Mor 0870 013 5464
22 MANCHESTER, Frog and Bucket 0161 236 9805
23 SHEFFIELD, Memorial Hall 0114 2 789 789
24 LEEDS, The Library 0113 2440794
25 CARDIFF, St David's Hall 029 2087 8444
26 OXFORD, OFS Studio 01865 297 170
28 NORFOLK, Kings Lynn Arts Centre 01553 764864
APRIL
01 CHELTENHAM, Town Hall 0844 576 2210
03 DERBY, Assembly Rooms 01332 255800
17 STAFFORD, The Gatehouse 01785 254 653
18 WARRINGTON, Pyramid Arts Centre 01925 442 345
20 JERSEY, Arts Centre 01534 700444
22 NORWICH, Arts Centre 01603 660352
23 BRIGHTON, Komedia 0845 293 8480
24 ALDERSHOT, West End Centre 01252 330040
25 CLACTON ON SEA, Princes Theatre 01255 686633
